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Cultivating Friendship for Relationship Warriors

Jason Wooley

Feeling secure in your self-identity provides a foundation from which to reach out to another. “Hi I’m Jason and I Coach couples and partnerships to be more conscious and intentional in their relationships”.

 

Consider your personal ‘lift-sell’ and prepare for a few different audiences. I am not less if you do not want to know me. I am not less by failing to mention the many other things I do. In this context, that’s what I want you to know about me. If this were a conversation now, how would you share something appropriate about yourself to co-create this relationship?

 

In the words of Faith Fuller PhD, co-founder of CRR Global, “A Relationship Warrior is someone who believes relationships matter and has the tools and skills to achieve the goal of what we call Right Relationship”. What does Right Relationship mean to you?

 

It has become more common to encounter the perspective of seeing conflict-as-ally, and this is a good foundation for the practice of cultivating friendship, for there are few relationships that grow and endure that do not possess some level of conflict. Even when the conflict is not externalised, it may exist in different ‘parts’ of our inner experience such as the empathic part that craves connection and wants to go and talk to the person at the event who is standing on their own being held back by the part that holds you back because they are protecting you from rejection and embarrassment just like happened that time when you … get the drift.

 

So cultivating friendship begins with the inner work, creating alignment between our inner team so we can have confidence in the self-identity from which we operate; with becoming aware of the stories we tell ourselves and how we live from them and reflecting on if these stories serve us or sabotage us. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves to fail at the thing we knew we would fail at, because who doesn’t like to be right?

 

And there are many ways to develop our friendships with our internal family system. If you are religious there are doubtless practices you can find in your preferred system. As simply a couple of examples: In Christian adoration, not only do you gaze on God, but you reflect on how God gazes on you, seeing you as a perfect and lovable creation. Buddhism directs us with the highly accessible practice of Metta, to list only one valuable approach with much scientific validation.

 

Through Coaching we can develop our awareness of the ‘Saboteur’ voices and choose to empower wiser ‘Sage’ perspectives. Counselling and Psychotherapy allow a deeper understanding, acceptance and healing. Combine all of the above and you are sure to be successful as you take your friendship cultivation outwards as an expression of yourself.

 

The next steps can then feel quite simple. How can you consciously and intentionally be ‘in-relationship’ with the different people who are already in your life? What actions can you take today to pay positivity into the shared ‘emotional bank’ as a little insurance against the cruchy conflict lurking around the corner. And when it comes, how can you be comfortable with conflict, honest with yourself and others. A simple tool to leave you with can be remembered with the acronym C.O.I.N.

 

When there’s something you want to discuss, first share the Context so there’s clarity on what is being discussed. Then share your observation and own it using non-blaming “I” statements, what was the Impact of this behaviour, and what’s the change you would like to see Next.

For example: “At the dinner event you made some negative comments about some of my friends and I was embarrassed and felt in an uncomfortable position. In future, kindly keep your thoughts to yourself or share with me privately.”

 

Be willing to resolve things without blaming and get clear on why it’s important to resolve it, such as the value of the relationship you have with the other person. Being willing to put the relationship first, share your personal perspective and listen honestly to others are some of the essential ingredients for Relationship Warriorship.

 

No need to wait until there’s problems to call in a professional coach or counsellor, speak to us about how to design your individual, couples and partners, or team and family relationships for greater ease and flow.

 

 

By Zina De Mercey February 28, 2025
Women’s Day is more than a celebration, it’s an opportunity to rethink women’s major health concerns: stress, one of the leading causes of health issues. It’s a chance to reflect on healthier ways to cope with it. As women, how many times have you felt challenged by stress? The kind that follows you through the day and keeps you up at night, tightening your chest as you mentally replay overwhelming worries? Despite considerable advances, significant gaps remain in our acknowledgement of stress related to gendered caring roles. While stress is universal, we know that women and men experience it in very different ways. Women are more likely to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by stress. We also know that women are exposed to chronic stress than men. Why it is so? The silent burden of women When it comes to women and stress, the answer to this question partly lies in social constructs, role prescription and emotional labor. Although stress is an unavoidable part of life, for women; it often comes in layers: Being a devoted mother, a family caregiver, a loving and supportive wife, and a successful career woman while maintaining social expectations in terms of beauty, fitness, ageing, and emotional support can beoverwhelming. This, is the invisible burden that women disproportionally carry and that contributes to the strain many women feel daily. As a result, women often internalize stress by developing perfectionist tendencies as a way to cope with the pressure of juggling multiple roles. This situation is further intensified by the disconnection between what’s expected of women and what is it, really, to be a women in today’s world. This snowballing effect leads women to put more pressure on themselves trying to solve this complex equation, relentlessly willing to close the gap between social expectations and reality of womanhood. As a therapist, I have encountered many women facing stressful events struggling with self-defeating beliefs such as “I fail if I can’t do it all” , “ I should stay strong for everyone” or "I should be able to handle everything on my own" . Those thoughts are deeply ingrained in women’s minds and they often reinforce guilt, emotional suppression, and perfectionism;making stress even more overwhelming. What are the causes of women stress? The main identified causes of stress are professional life, financial problems, couple life, and health issues. However, the reality of women balancing multiple roles across professional, personal, and social spheres intensifies stress and exhaustion as they navigate conflicting demands. Here are common sources of stress for women: Work-related stress: In the workplace, women's stress often arises from unexpected sources. On the top of their duties as professionals’, women are expected to demonstrate greater empathy, patience, and emotional control. The glass ceiling and gender biases create additional pressure by imposing higher expectations on women. Maintaining work-life balance also remains a constant source of stress. “Super-women” syndrome: Women often face a “second shift,” balancing professional and domestic responsibilities, which significantly increases stress. Managing schedules, tracking household tasks, and remembering key dates add to their mental load. Parenting further amplifies this stress, as societal expectations and the "Perfect Mother" myth set unattainable standards. Many women feel compelled to meet these ideals, often at the cost of their own well-being. Women face immense pressure to excel in multiple roles at once. This relentless demand fosters resentment, fatigue, and stress, particularly when their efforts go unrecognized. Love & Load: As a couple therapist, I experienced several key stressors that women face in their relationships. Traditional gender norms still expect women to prioritize their relationships and family over personal needs. A women may not engage in pursuing her career, stepping up the laddersfearing relationship strain. The struggle to balance self-identity and relationship expectations, combined with guilt and self-doubt when prioritizing personal goals, often creates internal conflict and increased stress for women. How do we react to stress? While short term stress can be a source of motivation, chronic stress gradually depletes mental, emotional, and physical health. Chronic stress impacts all aspects of well-being: psychologically, it leads to emotional exhaustion and low self-esteem; emotionally, it causes breakdowns and burnout; physically, it weakens immunity and increases health risks; and behaviorally, it fosters withdrawal and maladaptive coping. Early intervention is key to preventing long-term harm. How to better cope with stress? International Women’s Day is an opportunity to pause and reflect on better ways to manage stress through healthy and adaptive coping strategies that enhance women’ quality of life and overall well-being. Here are some healthy strategies to relate to: 1. Separate the Stress from the stressor When experiencing stress, it is important to separate stress from the stressor. Stress is your body’s physiological response that follows a cycle with a beginning, middle, and an end;while the stressor is the external trigger. You don’t have to fix your problem to release stress. Even if the stressor (work deadlines, family conflicts or couple issues) is still present, you can release stress physically and emotionally through simple actions like: deep breathing, crying or sharing a warm hug with a loved one. Visualization can be a powerful tool. Closing your eyes and picturing a safe, comforting space helps your body process stress, relax and reset. 2. Be friend with stress When we experience stress our body respond in different ways, each of them shaping the way we cope with our challenges. Fight Mode: Reacting with frustration, defensiveness, or aggression. Instead of lashing out, try to pause before reacting and reset your response through deep breathing. Flight Mode: Feeling overwhelmed and wanting to withdraw. Try to regain a sense of control by breaking challenges into small, manageable and controllable steps. Befriend Mode: Research shows that this strategy leads to better outcome. Women tend to embrace stress by seeking support rather than fighting or fleeing. They often turn to connection, sharing their worries with their loved ones, which helps regulate the nervous system and alleviate stress. Recognizing different coping mechanisms allows us to adopt a more constructive approach to managing stress and its triggers. 3. Stress as a lever not a threat Instead of seeing stress as a threat, reframe your mindset: Stress is just your body’s reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or a response. Stress prepares you to face your challenge. Instead of seeing stress as a threat, making peace with it allows us to harness its energy, its motivational force, build resilience, and navigate our challenges with greater response. When your heart races, when anxiety increases just think: “My body is just giving me a motivational force to overcome my challenge” or “How can I use this force for good to mitigate my worries?”. Shifting our perspective to see stress as a positive force fosters resilience, turning challenges into opportunities. Trusting our ability to adapt is key. 4. Reframing, Is the glass half-full or half-empty? When worries pile up, stress takes control. That’s the moment to pause and reframe. Ask yourself, “Is the glass half-full or half-empty?” Shift from “I’ll never get through this” to “I’ll take it one step at a time.” Try changing your perspective, identify one potential benefit in the challenge, recall past moments when you successfully managed stress, or focus on a small, actionable step within your control. Reframing is essential because stress has an impact on our cognitive flexibility, it narrows our thinking, distorts our perspective, and makes challenges feel bigger than they are. Remember, you’re doing your best, and that’s enough! 5. Resonance as a stress relief To relentless pressure, we, women need to find our own deep connection to the world to healthily cope with stress. Hartmut Rosa's concept of “Resonance” emphasizes shifting from control to meaningful connection whether in relationships, work, nature, or creativity fostering deeper connection, well-being, and a more fulfilling way of experiencing life. Instead of viewing life as a checklist of tasks, a relentless pursuit of perfection and performance, or a constant drive for efficiency, we should focus on experiencing life purposefully. Rather than seeking validation, we need to connect with what truly matters. Instead of feeling trapped by expectations, we should embrace being fully present in the moment and finding joy in the “here” and “now”. Constantly reminding ourselves that our worth is not defined by external standards. Many activities can help us engage in a form of “Resonance” to ourselves and to the world, including yoga, sound healing, meditation, and gratitude practices. Keeping in mind that true support for women stress comes from all genders, including men, in a shared commitment to balance, equity, and well-being.
By Cheryl MacDonald February 28, 2025
Perimenopause is something that’s rarely talked about and even less understood. This is the time in a woman's life BEFORE Menopause (defined as the cessation of menstruation for at least 12 months), and this is actually when most of the big changes are happening. Even more surprising? That most women over 35 are already in perimenopause, even if they don’t show significant symptoms, this coincides with a woman's drop in fertility. Perimenopause isn’t just about hot flashes and irregular periods. It’s a deeply personal transformation that can shake your confidence, impact your relationships, and make you question your sense of self. I know this not just as a psychotherapist but also as a yoga master, health coach, and the creator of YogaPause (and author of best-selling book by the same name)—a method I developed after years of working with women navigating this life stage.  I’ve spent over two decades guiding women through transitions, and I’m currently writing my research thesis on self-esteem and relationships in women aged 40-55. I see more clearly than ever how perimenopause can challenge our identity. The good news is that you don’t have to go through it alone. Therapy can help you navigate the changes, build your confidence and reframe what you want from life going forward. How Getting Older Affects Your Self-Esteem Perimenopause has a sneaky way of making us question ourselves. It stirs up emotions, shifts our bodies in ways we don’t always recognize, and brings up thoughts like: Who am I now? Do I still matter? What the hell am I going to do with my life now? Here are some of the things that could be chipping away at your self-esteem: 1. Your Body Doesn’t Look The Same Suddenly, the body you’ve known for decades starts to feel foreign. Weight gain, bloating, thinning hair, dry skin—these changes can make you feel very self-conscious. Many of us look in the mirror and don’t recognize ourselves, we’re self-critical and insecure. 2. Brain Fog Ever walked into a room and forgotten why? Or struggled to remember someone’s name mid-conversation? Perimenopause can bring cognitive shifts that leave us feeling less than sharp and doubting our abilities. When you start second-guessing yourself, your confidence takes a big hit. 3. Emotional Sensitivity and Self-Doubt Mood swings, irritability, and feeling emotionally raw are all common. One moment, you feel fine; the next, you're in tears over an advert with an injured hedgehog. When your emotions become unpredictable, it’s easy to start doubting yourself and feeling like you’re “too much” or “not enough.” 4. Women Are Supposed To Be Young FOREVER Society isn’t always kind to women over 40. From media to workplace biases, we get messages that our worth diminishes with age. Many women struggle with feeling invisible, less desirable, or irrelevant—especially in their careers and relationships. This Is How Perimenopause Can Impact Your Relationships: When our self-esteem starts to waver, our relationships feel the strain. I see this time and again in the women I work with. They tell me: I don’t feel connected to my partner anymore. I feel lonely, even when I’m surrounded by people. Here’s some of the ways perimenopause could be affecting your relationships: 1. You’re Pulling Away From Your Partner If you’re feeling low about yourself, it’s easy to pull away—emotionally and physically. Changes in your libido, body image worries, and mood fluctuations can lead to less intimacy and more misunderstandings. 2. Your Grumpy and Irrational Hormonal changes can make emotions feel bigger than normal: Think PMS on Steroids. Small things that never bothered you before suddenly feel overwhelming. If you find yourself snapping at loved ones or feeling unheard, you’re not alone and it’s normal. 3. You Feel Alone In This Many women say, No one understands what I’m going through. This feeling can lead to withdrawing from social circles, avoiding deep conversations, or even drifting away from close friends. Perimenopause is REAL and big and challenging and you need to be supported by other women who understand and can relate. 4. Changing Family Roles At this stage of life, many of us are also dealing with our kids growing up and leaving home, ageing parents, or career transitions. All of these stressors can add to feelings of overwhelm, and lack of purpose or sense of self, making it even harder to prioritize relationships. How Therapy Can Help You Figure Out Who You Are AndWhat You Want From Life 40+ Here’s something I want every woman to hear: You are not losing yourself. You are evolving.Therapy can help you navigate this transition with self-compassion, clarity, and confidence. 40+ can be the best stage of your life - you just need to approach it in the right way. 1. It Can Help You Rebuild Your Self-Esteem Therapy helps you challenge the negative self-talk that can come with ageing. It’s about shifting the focus from what’s changing to what’s still strong within you - or better yet, what’s STRONGER. Learning to redefine beauty, value, and self-worth is an essential part of this process. 2. Understanding and Managing Your Emotions Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness, and breathwork can be powerful tools for managing hormonal mood swings, anxiety, and self-doubt. In my practice, I often integrate yoga and breathwork and nutrition alongside psychotherapy to help women create a mind-body connection that fosters emotional balance. A full life approach is the most effective way to move forward into this next life stage. 3. Strengthening Your Relationships Does your marriage have a whole new range of issues? Feeling disconnected from friends? Therapy can help you identify how your self-esteem impacts your relationships and help you communicate what you need and how you’re feeling with confidence. 4. Accepting Your Changing Body Instead of seeing physical changes as losses, therapy can help shift the narrative to self-acceptance. My YogaPause method combines gentle movement, breathwork, and mindfulness to reconnect women with their bodies in a way that feels empowering rather than defeating. Building physical strength and mental resilience are an essential part of the journey. 5. Finding a New Sense of Purpose Perimenopause isn’t an ending—it’s also a beginning. Many women feel lost in this transition, but therapy can help them rediscover passions, set new goals, and redefine what fulfillment looks like in this next chapter. This can absolutely be the best time of your life. You Deserve Support Perimenopause is more than a biological transition—it’s an emotional, psychological, and deeply personal one. It can feel overwhelming, but help is available. Therapy provides a space to rediscover yourself, strengthen your relationships, and step into this new life phase with confidence. If you’re feeling lost, struggling with self-esteem, or noticing strain in your relationships, reach out. You are not alone.
By Satomi Ogata February 1, 2025
At 17, one of my teachers told me I was dyslexic and that I needed to “work extra hard” to succeed. At 33, an educational psychologist officially diagnosed me with broad dyslexia (Reading Comprehension Impairment) and visual-spatial reasoning difficulties. However, the true turning point in my journey came at 37 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was a moment of clarity that reframed decades of self-doubt and burnout. Burnout and the Breaking Point The tipping point came when I experienced severe burnout at work. I’ve always taken immense pride in my career, pouring my passion into creating opportunities and fostering growth for others. As an HR professional working for one of the most purposeful organizations, I was determined to give my best. But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t shake the relentless feeling that I was falling short or that I wasn’t good enough.This internal battle slowly eroded my confidence until I found myself doubting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks. It felt like the harder I tried, the further behind I fell. The burnout, however, wasn’t just about work. It was the culmination of years of unprocessed emotions, cultural pressures, and the invisible toll of undiagnosed ADHD. For so long, I had been carrying an emotional and mental weight that I didn’t even realize was there. I was trying to meet impossible standards, juggling conflicting cultural expectations, and masking my struggles -including myself - would see how overwhelmed I truly was. Growing up as a Japanese woman, the cultural pressure to conform was ever-present. The phrase “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” (出る釘は打たれる) loomed large in my life, discouraging individuality and emphasizing the importance of fitting in. This cultural backdrop made navigating hidden disabilities like dyslexia, ADHD, and autism particularly isolating. In many Asian communities, neurodivergence is often misunderstood or seen as something to be “fixed.” Statements like “you just need to work harder” or dismissals of struggles as “bad parenting” are common and contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health. These deep-seated beliefs made seeking support feel daunting and, at times, even shameful. Meeting Mia: The Power of Relatability in Therapy In the depths of my burnout, I reached out to Dr. Glenn Graves, my former therapist in Singapore, who referred me to Mia Makino, a Japanese American therapist. From our very first session, I felt an immediate connection with Mia. She didn’t just listen; she truly understood. She recognized the cultural nuances of being Japanese and bicultural, as well as the complexities of navigating the duality between two distinct cultural frameworks. I did not expect how transformative this sense of relatability would be. Mia’s unique perspective allowed her to address not only the symptoms of my ADHD and burnout but also the deeply rooted cultural stigmas and self-doubt that has been holding me back for so long. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), she helped me unpack years of internalized shame and perfectionism - traits so often reinforced by societal expectations in Japan. Mia’s approach to therapy wasn’t just about the symptoms; it was about empowering me to embrace who I am. She helped me see that my ADHD and dyslexia were not weaknesses but parts of me that could be understood, managed, and even celebrated. Her guidance gave me permission to stop fighting so hard to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. Sharing My Story to Empower Others Seeking therapy and working with someone who truly understood both my neurodivergence and my cultural identity was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. It gave me the tools to heal, the courage to embrace my authentic self, and the clarity to redefine my path. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to seek support and break free from the stigma surrounding mental health and neurodivergence. Diagnoses like ADHD are not limitations; they are opportunities to better understand ourselves and to create lives that align with our strengths and needs. For anyone navigating similar challenges—whether cultural, neurodivergent, or both—know that you are not alone. The right support, whether through therapy, coaching, or community, can make a world of difference. And remember, the journey toward self-compassion begins with the courage to embrace who you are, unapologetically and wholeheartedly. A New Chapter: From Healing to Advocacy Thanks to Mia’s support, I’m now transitioning into a new chapter of my life. I’m designing training programs and workshops for HR professionals and leaders in Asia to help break the stigma surrounding neurodivergence. My mission is to create workplaces that are inclusive, supportive, and free from discrimination—environments where people can thrive regardless of their differences. I’m also pursuing certifications as an ADHD and executive coach to support individuals who may feel isolated or misunderstood. I want to be an advocate for those struggling in silence, helping them find their voice, their confidence, and their potential. For so long, I believed that being the “nail that sticks out” was a flaw. But now, I see it as a strength. Every challenge I’ve faced has brought me closer to understanding who I am. And in that understanding, I’ve found not only healing but also purpose—the opportunity to help others embrace their own journeys and create a world where the invisible becomes invincible. Satomi Ogata https://www.linkedin.com/in/satomi-beyondbias/
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