Is Your Relationship Due for a Mindset Reset?
Esther Oon-Bybjerg
Your partner forgets to text you back after a long day, and you think, "They don’t care about me." Or they casually mention plans with friends that don’t include you, and you wonder, "Am I not important to them anymore?" These passing negative thoughts may seem trivial, but they reflect deeper narratives we unconsciously construct about our partners and relationships.
In relationships, the way we think about our partners and their actions matters deeply. As relationships evolve, we develop beliefs about our partners and the relationship. These beliefs shape how we feel, act and respond to them.
As a couple therapist, I have witnessed how it is often not the events themselves that drive disconnection, but the interpretations and narratives we attach to them.
Relationships get strained by negative thought patterns because these hidden beliefs about our partners and their actions silently erode connection and fuel resentment. However, a simple shift in mindset can improve the quality of your relationship.
The Cycle of Negative Perception
We often assume that our perceptions of reality are objective. However, our minds act as powerful filters, shaping how we interpret our partner's words and actions. For instance, if you believe, “They don’t care about me,” a forgotten text message might feel like proof of neglect. On the other hand, if you think, “They’re doing the best they can,” the same situation might seem like a genuine oversight which is understandable.
These thoughts set the emotional tone for your relationship, influencing how you feel during moments of connection or tension. Small disappointments or unmet needs that go unaddressed can gradually shift your perspective, leading you to interpret interactions through a lens of frustration or resentment. This process can be driven by cognitive biases which are mental shortcuts that help us process information quickly, but they can also distort reality in ways that harm relationships.
Here are some common thought patterns that I often see in couples:
- Confirmation bias
Selectively focus on evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring anything that contradicts them. If you believe your partner is inconsiderate, you'll likely notice every instance of forgetfulness while overlooking their thoughtful gestures.
- Black-and-white thinking
Seeing things as either all good or all bad, such as “They never listen to me” or “They’re always selfish.” This mindset prevents you from seeing the complexities in your partner’s behavior and stops you from appreciating the shades of gray in their actions.
- Personalization
Interpreting your partner’s actions as a direct reflection of their feelings toward you. For example, when they’re late, you might think, “They don’t respect my time,” instead of considering that they could be dealing with an unexpected situation.
- Mind reading
Assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or intentions without asking or clarifying. If they don’t initiate physical affection, you may think, “They’re not attracted to me anymore,” when they may simply be tired or dealing with stress.
- Catastrophizing
Jumping to the worst possible conclusion, such as thinking, “This argument means we’re heading for a breakup,” instead of seeing it as a normal part of any relationship.
- Negative filtering
Focusing only on your partner’s flaws while disregarding their positive qualities. For example, after a few instances of your partner being late, you may start seeing them as unreliable, ignoring all the times they’ve been on time.
Ways to Reset Your Mindset
Changing entrenched thought patterns isn't about ignoring or avoiding important issues. It's about cultivating a more mindful and intentional approach to your relationship. Negative thoughts can quickly escalate emotions, leading to impulsive reactions that hurt the relationship. A mindset reset helps you assess the situation more objectively respond more thoughtfully.
Here are some strategies to break free from the negative thought patterns.
- Cultivate gratitude
Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consciously seek out moments of kindness, no matter how small. Appreciate the thoughtful gestures your partner makes. Recognizing these efforts reinforces the positive in your relationship, helping you see your partner in a more favorable light.
- Challenge your assumptions
The next time a negative thought arises, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself, "Is there another way to interpret this?" Instead of defaulting to "They’re not prioritizing me," try reframing it as "They’re just overwhelmed with deadlines right now." This shift in perspective can defuse unnecessary tension and foster a deeper understanding between you and your partner.
- Seek clarification, not conclusions
Instead of jumping to conclusions based on a fleeting moment, engage in conversation. For example, say, “I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Would you like to talk about it? Asking questions shows genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and prevents misunderstandings.
- Embrace a growth mindset
See challenges as opportunities for growth, not signs of incompatibility. When conflicts arise, view them as chances to improve your communication and problem-solving skills together. A growth mindset allows you to navigate difficulties as a team, strengthening your bond and building mutual support.
- Assume positive intent
Start from a place of trust. Believe your partner cares about you and is doing their best. Even when things don’t go perfectly, choosing to assume positive intent softens the impact of misunderstandings. This mindset fosters patience, understanding, and deeper trust between you and your partner.
When to seek help
Sometimes, deeply ingrained thought patterns are challenging to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the root causes of these patterns, understand how they affect your relationship, and learn tools to address them.
By recognizing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns, we can create space for mutual empathy, understanding, and respect. These changes don’t happen overnight, but with patience and intentionality, even small mindset shifts can lead to profound transformations.
The beginning of a new year often comes wrapped in a rush of excitement. There’s a buzz in the air. A sense of possibility of fresh pages waiting to be written. But that excitement, if left unchecked, can quickly turn into pressure. We’re told to set goals, make resolutions, and “improve” ourselves, yet often by February, the sparkle fades. The reason is simple: excitement is sustainable only when it is rooted in alignment, not obligation. When our intentions emerge from what truly matters to us, they generate energy rather than drain it. They fuel us. They awaken us to the possibilities that already exist within our reach. Conversely, when our actions are motivated solely by external expectations or a sense of duty, we burn out. We chase after shiny goals that glitter with promise but leave us exhausted at the finish line. This is why pausing at the start of the year matters so much. A moment of stillness allows us to ask critical questions: What is genuinely mine to pursue? What sparks joy, curiosity, or a sense of expansion within me? Without this reflection, we rush forward blindly, often mistaking momentum for meaningful progress. With it, we step into the work, projects, and relationships that resonate with our deepest truths. We engage in what feels expansive, alive, and authentic. The Power of Alignment Over Obligation Alignment is not about perfection. It’s not about meeting someone else’s standard or following the checklist of achievements society says we should pursue. Alignment is about listening deeply to ourselves and honoring what resonates. It is understanding that every choice, every step, every intention carries energy and that energy is precious. When it is aligned with our values, it sustains us. When it is misaligned, it depletes us. Consider the difference between doing something because it is “expected” versus doing it because it feels like a calling. When you choose the former, you may check boxes, hit deadlines, or achieve milestones, but often, it comes at the expense of your vitality. You may find yourself asking, “Why am I doing this?” Alignment transforms that dynamic. It turns effort into expression and action into joy. The Pause: A Sacred Practice Pausing is more than a moment of rest. It is a sacred practice that allows us to realign with our intentions. It is a deliberate step away from noise, distraction, and the habit of reactive living. In that pause, clarity emerges. We gain perspective. We recognize which pursuits belong to us and which are borrowed from others’ expectations. To pause effectively, consider journaling, mindful reflection, or even quiet meditation. Ask yourself: Which activities make me feel most alive? Which projects excite me because they are authentically mine? Where do I feel stretched in ways that are energizing rather than draining? These questions are not trivial. They form the blueprint for a year that feels full, meaningful, and nourishing. Dare to Expand Your Vision Once we have paused and reflected, the next step is expansion. The temptation at the start of a year is often to shrink our vision into checklists, to define success narrowly, and to prioritize “achievable” goals over inspiring ones. But true growth, the kind that stirs our imagination and nourishes our soul, requires courage. It asks us to dream bigger, to hold intentions that feel luminous and expansive. Expansion is not about recklessness; it is about daring to stretch ourselves in directions that feel right. It is about holding space for potential, curiosity, and creativity. The universe gives us beginnings as an invitation to explore what is possible, to rewrite old stories, and to breathe new life into the chapters we are yet to write. Becoming, Not Fixing 2026 is not an invitation to become a more polished version of yourself; it is a call to return to who you already are: awake, aligned, and fully alive. So often, growth is framed as self-improvement, as though we are projects to be corrected or problems to be solved. Yet true growth is not about fixing what is “wrong,” but about becoming more deeply connected to what is true. When authenticity becomes the anchor, our energy naturally aligns with our values and passions, and the exhausting pursuit of perfection begins to soften. From this place, joy, meaningful connection, and purpose-led achievements emerge, not because we tried harder to be better, but because we allowed ourselves to be real. Beginnings carry a quiet, sacred power: each year, each season, even each breath offers the possibility of renewal. When we meet these moments with presence and intention, pausing to listen inwardly before rushing ahead, we create a foundation that can hold uncertainty without fear. We do not need guaranteed outcomes or flawless plans; we need clarity of values and the courage to trust the unfolding. From there, we move forward grounded, open, and curious, allowing life to shape itself around who we are becoming. Practical Steps to Start the Year Aligned 1. Reflect on Your Core Values: Identify what matters most to you. Which principles guide your decisions and actions? Let these serve as the foundation for your intentions. 2. Ask Meaningful Questions: “What excites me because it is authentically mine?” “Where do I feel most alive?” These questions help distinguish between external expectations and internal calling. 3. Write Down Your Intentions: Capture your expansive, luminous goals — not as obligations, but as invitations to explore your potential. 4. Prioritize Energy Over Output: Choose pursuits that energize you, not merely tasks that look impressive. 5. Create Space for Pauses: Schedule moments to step back, reflect, and adjust. These pauses maintain alignment and prevent burnout. 6. Embrace Expansion: Allow yourself to dream beyond the narrow limits of “achievable.” Big visions cultivate creativity, resilience, and inspiration. Walking Boldly Into 2026 With clarity and alignment, stepping into 2026 becomes an act of courage. Excitement hums in your bones, not because of pressure, but because of resonance. Each action is purposeful, each pursuit intentional. The new year transforms from a checklist into a canvas. A space where imagination, joy, and authenticity can flourish. As you navigate the year ahead, remember: beginnings are not about fixing what is broken. They are about becoming more fully who you are. They invite you to shed the weight of others’ expectations, to honor your own energy, and to move boldly into your possibilities. Pause. Listen. Align. Expand. And step into 2026 with a sense of wonder, courage, and intention. This is your year to nurture your authentic self, to hold luminous visions, and to live fully awake. This is your year to remember that each beginning carries the rare magic of rebirth: an opportunity to rewrite the story and breathe new life into your journey. To support this unfolding, we offer 3 new spaces that guide and hold you gently: Ground and Grow invites you to release what no longer serves you and reconnect with your inner self. Aligned helps you uncover your core values and step into what truly matters with intention. The Field is a weekly intimate Family & Systemic Constellation gathering. A quiet, guided space to explore relationship and systemic dynamics and patterns that may be shaping your life. Through shared presence, we bring clarity and movement to what feels stuck. All workshops and meetups are quiet invitations to reflect, realign, and step into the new year in harmony with your deepest truths. See you in the circle.
As the year draws to a close, I find myself returning to the heart again and again. This year has been one of depth, gentleness, and profound inner shifts. For many, it wasn’t about chasing more but about softening into what’s already within. Through stillness or release, courage or quiet surrender, the path was deeply personal and profoundly shared. As I look back, my heart is full of gratitude for every soul who chose growth with openness and curiosity. Together, we shaped spaces of truth, safety, and heartfelt reconnection. Nurture Your Heart We began the year with Nurture Your Heart , a monthly workshop that invited both women and men to pause, reflect, and reconnect with their emotional landscape. It was a powerful reminder that growth begins with presence. In this space, we witnessed the heart’s full range: grief, joy, anger, longing, and allowed it all to be felt and held without judgment. Participants released years of emotional tension, reclaimed forgotten parts of themselves, and discovered a deeper sense of self-compassion. It was an honor to witness both men and women open, express, and support one another. We were reminded that there is strength in softness, and that being seen in our wholeness is one of the most healing gifts we can give and receive. Self-Mastery Another most meaningful experiences for me was co-facilitating our newly launched Self-Mastery Workshop . Creating a space for leaders to pause and realign with their deeper values felt especially powerful. The Harvard Business Review statistic that 95% of people believe they are self-aware but only 10–15% truly are resonated strongly throughout the day. I saw how much leaders yearn not only for clarity but also for the ability to lead with intention and alignment, rather than from autopilot or external pressure. What touched me most was witnessing the transformation that unfolded when we combined evidence-based leadership tools with grounding practices like breathwork, visualization, and reflection. The Energy Leadership™️ Assessment offered insight into personal patterns, while the holistic practices created space for participants to reconnect with themselves. By the end of the day, there was a palpable sense of clarity, alignment, and renewed purpose. It reminded me that self-mastery is ultimately about living and leading in harmony with our values, choosing, again and again, to act with intention and to align with who we truly are. Family Constellation: Seeing the Unseen and Let the Love Flow One of the most profound themes this year was the collective and individual journey that unfolded through our Family and Systemic Constellation workshops. This modality reveals the invisible threads that bind us to our family systems, often in ways we may not be consciously aware of. Patterns of suffering, disconnection, or limitation are not always ours alone to carry; they may belong to generations before us. In constellation work, we step into a sacred field where ancestral stories, unresolved grief, and hidden loyalties can surface gently and respectfully. Through this work, clients found relief from emotional burdens they couldn’t quite name, rediscovering belonging, compassion, and strength in their lineage. It was beautiful to witness how much can shift, not just in individuals, but in entire systems, when one person chooses to see with new eyes and feel with an open heart. Coaching, Sound Journey & Breathwork: Three Portals to the Self This year also offered a beautiful unfolding through three separate yet interwoven paths: Coaching, Sound Healing, and Yin Breathwork. Each of these modalities provided a different gateway into the inner world: meeting people where they were and allowing healing to unfold in organic, embodied ways. Coaching : This year, coaching became a space for profound personal and professional transformation. Whether I was working with individuals seeking emotional clarity or leaders and professionals navigating growth, conflict, or burnout, one thing remained consistent: coaching held up a mirror to what truly matters. It created room to pause, reflect, and reconnect, not just to goals, but to values. Time and again, I saw how high performance can mask deeper needs for alignment, meaning, and authentic leadership. Together, we untangled those threads. We built clear visions and action plans grounded in who my clients truly are and how they want to lead. Now, each client walks forward with clarity, intention, and a roadmap that aligns with their core values so they can lead and live on purpose. Coaching this year reminded me: it’s not just about doing more, but becoming more aligned, more grounded, and more fully yourself. Sound Healing : This year, Sound Healing became more than rest. It became a catalyst for deep inner shifts. Through the resonance of gongs, singing bowls, crystal bowls and chimes, clients were able to release tension held in the body, quiet the noise of the mind, and access a deeper state of awareness. The sound gently bypassed conscious thought and reached the places words couldn’t. Many described it as a feeling of “coming home” to themselves or being “held by something larger.” And the impact was undeniable. Clients left feeling lighter, clearer, more grounded. Across every session, the shift was evident: from overwhelm to ease, from disconnection to presence, from holding on to letting go. Sound didn’t just soothe. It transformed. This reminded me of the incredible intelligence of sound. How its vibrations carry the power to reach beyond words, to touch the unseen layers of our being, and to awaken healing from within. Sound is not just heard; it is felt, remembered, and lived. This deep knowing will continue to inspire and shape my journey ahead. Yin Breathwork : We created a gentle yet profound space for emotional release. Drawing from rebirthing traditions, Yin breathwork sessions invited clients to breathe through old patterns, energetic blockages, and emotions held within the body. The process was often deeply cathartic: tears, laughter, insight, and stillness naturally arose as the breath guided the way and the body felt safe to surrender. The sessions supported the release of what no longer served whether subtle energetic blocks, long-held tension, or trauma gently held beneath the surface. As breath moved through the body, it invited healing and renewal at a deep level, bringing clarity, relief, and a renewed sense of freedom. This year, Yin Breathwork reminded me of the quiet strength found in surrender: the way breath can gently connect with the subconscious, opening hidden layers beyond the reach of words. It showed how allowing ourselves to feel fully, with openness and compassion, can lead to profound healing and transformation. Trusting the breath is trusting the wisdom held deep within. The Path Ahead: Renewal & Expansion Personal growth is not a straight line. It’s layered. It spirals. It deepens with time. If this year has taught me anything, it’s this: our bodies carry wisdom, our hearts hold courage, and we are all capable of anything when we feel safe, supported, and ready. As we step into a new year, I hope you’ll carry these reminders: • You are not behind. • Rest is productive. • You are worthy of joy and ease. • Your journey is your own and it is enough. Coming in 2026: New Offerings, Deeper Connection Looking ahead, we’re thrilled to be launching new workshops and retreats in 2026, created especially for individuals, groups, and couples. These offerings will continue to honour the mind, body, heart, and spirit supporting emotional growth, relational healing, and spiritual awakening. Whether you're a leader seeking greater alignment, a couple longing for deeper connection, or an individual ready to step into your next chapter, we invite you to be part of this next evolution. Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you this year whether in a circle, a constellation, on a breathwork mat, in a coaching room, within the vibrations of sound, or in a quiet moment of resonance. We’ve grown together, expanded our awareness, and returned to ourselves in deeper ways. With love and gratitude, Aki Tsukui Co-Founder, Elemental Wellness
At Elemental Wellness, we believe that healing is not a gendered experience. Healing is for humans. It happens when we allow space for the unsaid, the unseen, and the unfelt to emerge safely, gently, and without judgment. While women have often led the way in emotional exploration, more and more men are beginning to return to their hearts in search of deeper meaning, emotional freedom, and wholeness. This movement toward inner connection is quiet yet powerful. It reflects a shift in how men are redefining strength, no longer as suppression, but as presence. Recently, my fellow coach, Praveen Kaur, and I had the honor of hosting our monthly workshop Nurture Your Heart . During this session, a man courageously stepped into the space of vulnerability. A space often unfamiliar, yet deeply needed. His presence was grounding and symbolic. It reminded us that the male heart, too, longs for safety, softness, and connection. That when held with care, the masculine energy doesn’t dissolve into weakness. It melts into authenticity. The Unseen Weight Men Carry Culturally, many men are raised to be the protectors, providers, and rational thinkers. They’re taught to be strong, stoic, and solution-oriented. From a young age, the message is clear: be dependable, be productive, be in control. But few are ever asked: How do you feel? What do you need right now? Who are you beneath all the roles you perform? This lack of emotional permission often results in quiet suffering. For many men, anger is more acceptable than sadness. Numbness feels safer than vulnerability. And silence becomes a coping mechanism. A way to keep the inner chaos contained. Yet this emotional suppression has consequences. The cost of disconnection is immense: anxiety, burnout, physical tension, emotional withdrawal, and relationship breakdowns. Beneath these symptoms lies a universal truth: men have hearts that feel deeply. They, too, long to be seen, to rest, to release. When that truth is denied, the result is not resilience, but exhaustion. When it’s embraced, the result is transformation. The Session: Safe, Somatic, Intentional Our Nurture Your Heart workshops are designed as intentional pauses in the noise of everyday life: a space to breathe, release, and reconnect. For this particular session, we began with gentle grounding exercises, guiding our participant to anchor into his body through slow, conscious breath. The emphasis was not on “doing it right,” but on allowing. Allowing breath to move freely, allowing thoughts to quiet, and allowing the body to remember safety. Before we began, we asked a simple but powerful question: “How do you want to feel at the end of this session?” Without hesitation, he responded: “Calm my inner voice. Regain a sense of calmness and have mental peace and stability.” These words were not merely goals. They were intentions, anchors that set the emotional tone for the session. They echoed a common theme I often hear in sessions with men: a longing to quiet the mind, settle the nervous system, and return to inner stillness. As the session unfolded, his breath began to guide him inward. Through sound and energetic vibration, we worked gently to release the tension stored in his chest: the space where so many men hold unspoken worries and expectations. What surfaced was not dramatic, but deeply organic: a subtle softening, a quiet recognition of emotions long set aside. In that stillness, the body began to speak. The Power of Intention The question, “How do I want to feel at the end of this session?” , often appears simple, yet it carries profound transformative power. In this case, the intention became a mantra: • Calm my inner voice • Regain a sense of calmness • Have peace He repeated these words throughout the session, not from a place of desperation, but devotion. It was as if each repetition was a permission slip to be gentle with himself to remember that peace is not a luxury, but a right. By the end of the session, something had softened. His movements were slower, his breathing deeper. His face reflected quiet relief: the kind that comes not from fixing, but from feeling. He smiled, not just with his lips, but with his whole being. It was a reminder that when we create space for intention, healing follows naturally. The body knows how to return to balance when given time and safety. Witnessing Male Vulnerability Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with many male clients: C-suites, executives, entrepreneurs, fathers, sons, and creatives. Despite their differences, there’s a shared thread among them: a longing to be whole. Each time a man allows himself to be vulnerable, I am reminded of the immense courage it takes to unlearn decades of conditioning. These are not weak men. They are deeply reflective, resilient, and often incredibly hard on themselves. They’ve been taught to be logical, but not always intuitive. Assertive, but not expressive. Strategic, but not soft. And yet, when given permission to express fully, they often go deeper than they ever expected. One client once said, “I didn’t know I needed this.” Another told me after a coaching session, “I haven’t felt this peaceful in years.” The release that happens in these spaces isn’t just emotional. It’s somatic. Their bodies exhale. Their shoulders drop. Their hearts open. They stop performing and start being. And what they gain is not just momentary relief, but a new relationship with themselves. They begin to trust their own emotional wisdom. They communicate more clearly, connect more deeply, and lead from a place of groundedness. It’s not about becoming someone new. It’s about remembering who they are beneath the noise. Holding Space for Men This work is not about “fixing” men. It’s about meeting them exactly where they are with tenderness, curiosity, and respect. We don’t ask them to become less masculine. We invite them to expand what masculinity can include: softness, sensitivity, stillness, and spirit. At Elemental Wellness, we believe the heart doesn’t need convincing. It needs permission. When men feel safe enough to lay down their armor, something extraordinary happens. They begin to reconnect not just with others, but with themselves. The Nurture Your Heart session for this client wasn’t about solving problems. It was about creating a sacred pause: a moment where he could simply be . No expectations, no judgment, no performance. In that pause, peace wasn’t something to strive for; it became something to remember. We often forget that healing doesn’t always come with grand gestures or dramatic breakthroughs. Sometimes, it begins with a single breath. Sometimes, it begins with saying, “I’m tired.” Sometimes, it begins with being seen. And in those moments, transformation unfolds quietly. An Invitation To the men who are holding it all together: this space is for you. You don’t need to say much. You don’t need to have the right words. Just start by showing up for yourself. At Elemental Wellness, we honor the fullness of your being. Whether you identify as strong, sensitive, guarded, or grounded, come as you are. We’ll meet you there.
