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Is Your Relationship Due for a Mindset Reset?

Esther Oon-Bybjerg

Your partner forgets to text you back after a long day, and you think, "They don’t care about me." Or they casually mention plans with friends that don’t include you, and you wonder, "Am I not important to them anymore?" These passing negative thoughts may seem trivial, but they reflect deeper narratives we unconsciously construct about our partners and relationships.

 

In relationships, the way we think about our partners and their actions matters deeply. As relationships evolve, we develop beliefs about our partners and the relationship. These beliefs shape how we feel, act and respond to them.

 

As a couple therapist, I have witnessed how it is often not the events themselves that drive disconnection, but the interpretations and narratives we attach to them.

 

Relationships get strained by negative thought patterns because these hidden beliefs about our partners and their actions silently erode connection and fuel resentment. However, a simple shift in mindset can improve the quality of your relationship.

 

 

The Cycle of Negative Perception

 

We often assume that our perceptions of reality are objective. However, our minds act as powerful filters, shaping how we interpret our partner's words and actions. For instance, if you believe, “They don’t care about me,” a forgotten text message might feel like proof of neglect. On the other hand, if you think, “They’re doing the best they can,” the same situation might seem like a genuine oversight which is understandable.

 

These thoughts set the emotional tone for your relationship, influencing how you feel during moments of connection or tension. Small disappointments or unmet needs that go unaddressed can gradually shift your perspective, leading you to interpret interactions through a lens of frustration or resentment. This process can be driven by cognitive biases which are mental shortcuts that help us process information quickly, but they can also distort reality in ways that harm relationships.

 

Here are some common thought patterns that I often see in couples:

 

  1. Confirmation bias
    Selectively focus on evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring anything that contradicts them. If you believe your partner is inconsiderate, you'll likely notice every instance of forgetfulness while overlooking their thoughtful gestures.

 

  1. Black-and-white thinking
    Seeing things as either all good or all bad, such as “They never listen to me” or “They’re always selfish.” This mindset prevents you from seeing the complexities in your partner’s behavior and stops you from appreciating the shades of gray in their actions.

 

  1. Personalization
    Interpreting your partner’s actions as a direct reflection of their feelings toward you. For example, when they’re late, you might think, “They don’t respect my time,” instead of considering that they could be dealing with an unexpected situation.

 

  1. Mind reading
    Assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or intentions without asking or clarifying. If they don’t initiate physical affection, you may think, “They’re not attracted to me anymore,” when they may simply be tired or dealing with stress.

 

  1. Catastrophizing
    Jumping to the worst possible conclusion, such as thinking, “This argument means we’re heading for a breakup,” instead of seeing it as a normal part of any relationship.

 

  1. Negative filtering
    Focusing only on your partner’s flaws while disregarding their positive qualities. For example, after a few instances of your partner being late, you may start seeing them as unreliable, ignoring all the times they’ve been on time.

 

 

Ways to Reset Your Mindset

Changing entrenched thought patterns isn't about ignoring or avoiding important issues. It's about cultivating a more mindful and intentional approach to your relationship. Negative thoughts can quickly escalate emotions, leading to impulsive reactions that hurt the relationship. A mindset reset helps you assess the situation more objectively respond more thoughtfully.

 

Here are some strategies to break free from the negative thought patterns. 

 

  1. Cultivate gratitude
    Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consciously seek out moments of kindness, no matter how small. Appreciate the thoughtful gestures your partner makes. Recognizing these efforts reinforces the positive in your relationship, helping you see your partner in a more favorable light.

 

  1. Challenge your assumptions
    The next time a negative thought arises, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself, "Is there another way to interpret this?" Instead of defaulting to "They’re not prioritizing me," try reframing it as "They’re just overwhelmed with deadlines right now." This shift in perspective can defuse unnecessary tension and foster a deeper understanding between you and your partner.

 

  1. Seek clarification, not conclusions
    Instead of jumping to conclusions based on a fleeting moment, engage in conversation. For example, say, “I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Would you like to talk about it? Asking questions shows genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and prevents misunderstandings.

 

  1. Embrace a growth mindset
    See challenges as opportunities for growth, not signs of incompatibility. When conflicts arise, view them as chances to improve your communication and problem-solving skills together. A growth mindset allows you to navigate difficulties as a team, strengthening your bond and building mutual support.

 

  1. Assume positive intent
    Start from a place of trust. Believe your partner cares about you and is doing their best. Even when things don’t go perfectly, choosing to assume positive intent softens the impact of misunderstandings. This mindset fosters patience, understanding, and deeper trust between you and your partner.

 

 

When to seek help

Sometimes, deeply ingrained thought patterns are challenging to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the root causes of these patterns, understand how they affect your relationship, and learn tools to address them.

 

By recognizing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns, we can create space for mutual empathy, understanding, and respect. These changes don’t happen overnight, but with patience and intentionality, even small mindset shifts can lead to profound transformations.

 

Finding a Therapist Who Truly Understands: The Power of Relatability in Therapy

By Satomi Ogata • February 1, 2025
At 17, one of my teachers told me I was dyslexic and that I needed to “work extra hard” to succeed. At 33, an educational psychologist officially diagnosed me with broad dyslexia (Reading Comprehension Impairment) and visual-spatial reasoning difficulties. However, the true turning point in my journey came at 37 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was a moment of clarity that reframed decades of self-doubt and burnout. Burnout and the Breaking Point The tipping point came when I experienced severe burnout at work. I’ve always taken immense pride in my career, pouring my passion into creating opportunities and fostering growth for others. As an HR professional working for one of the most purposeful organizations, I was determined to give my best. But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t shake the relentless feeling that I was falling short or that I wasn’t good enough.This internal battle slowly eroded my confidence until I found myself doubting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks. It felt like the harder I tried, the further behind I fell. The burnout, however, wasn’t just about work. It was the culmination of years of unprocessed emotions, cultural pressures, and the invisible toll of undiagnosed ADHD. For so long, I had been carrying an emotional and mental weight that I didn’t even realize was there. I was trying to meet impossible standards, juggling conflicting cultural expectations, and masking my struggles -including myself - would see how overwhelmed I truly was. Growing up as a Japanese woman, the cultural pressure to conform was ever-present. The phrase “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” (出る釘は打たれる) loomed large in my life, discouraging individuality and emphasizing the importance of fitting in. This cultural backdrop made navigating hidden disabilities like dyslexia, ADHD, and autism particularly isolating. In many Asian communities, neurodivergence is often misunderstood or seen as something to be “fixed.” Statements like “you just need to work harder” or dismissals of struggles as “bad parenting” are common and contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health. These deep-seated beliefs made seeking support feel daunting and, at times, even shameful. Meeting Mia: The Power of Relatability in Therapy In the depths of my burnout, I reached out to Dr. Glenn Graves, my former therapist in Singapore, who referred me to Mia Makino, a Japanese American therapist. From our very first session, I felt an immediate connection with Mia. She didn’t just listen; she truly understood. She recognized the cultural nuances of being Japanese and bicultural, as well as the complexities of navigating the duality between two distinct cultural frameworks. I did not expect how transformative this sense of relatability would be. Mia’s unique perspective allowed her to address not only the symptoms of my ADHD and burnout but also the deeply rooted cultural stigmas and self-doubt that has been holding me back for so long. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), she helped me unpack years of internalized shame and perfectionism - traits so often reinforced by societal expectations in Japan. Mia’s approach to therapy wasn’t just about the symptoms; it was about empowering me to embrace who I am. She helped me see that my ADHD and dyslexia were not weaknesses but parts of me that could be understood, managed, and even celebrated. Her guidance gave me permission to stop fighting so hard to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. Sharing My Story to Empower Others Seeking therapy and working with someone who truly understood both my neurodivergence and my cultural identity was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. It gave me the tools to heal, the courage to embrace my authentic self, and the clarity to redefine my path. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to seek support and break free from the stigma surrounding mental health and neurodivergence. Diagnoses like ADHD are not limitations; they are opportunities to better understand ourselves and to create lives that align with our strengths and needs. For anyone navigating similar challenges—whether cultural, neurodivergent, or both—know that you are not alone. The right support, whether through therapy, coaching, or community, can make a world of difference. And remember, the journey toward self-compassion begins with the courage to embrace who you are, unapologetically and wholeheartedly. A New Chapter: From Healing to Advocacy Thanks to Mia’s support, I’m now transitioning into a new chapter of my life. I’m designing training programs and workshops for HR professionals and leaders in Asia to help break the stigma surrounding neurodivergence. My mission is to create workplaces that are inclusive, supportive, and free from discrimination—environments where people can thrive regardless of their differences. I’m also pursuing certifications as an ADHD and executive coach to support individuals who may feel isolated or misunderstood. I want to be an advocate for those struggling in silence, helping them find their voice, their confidence, and their potential. For so long, I believed that being the “nail that sticks out” was a flaw. But now, I see it as a strength. Every challenge I’ve faced has brought me closer to understanding who I am. And in that understanding, I’ve found not only healing but also purpose—the opportunity to help others embrace their own journeys and create a world where the invisible becomes invincible. Satomi Ogata https://www.linkedin.com/in/satomi-beyondbias/

Interpersonal Relationships from the Perspective of Reiki

By Mariangel Gonzalez • January 28, 2025
In the journey of life, interpersonal relationships play a fundamental role. From a Reiki perspective, these connections are not just human encounters but profound opportunities for spiritual growth, energy exchange, and mutual healing.  Universal Energy and Relationships Reiki is based on the idea that everything in the universe is connected through universal energy. Every relationship we form—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or partners—is influenced by the flow of this energy. When our energies are balanced and flow harmoniously, our interactions also tend to be more positive and enriching. However, when our energies are imbalanced, conflicts, misunderstandings, and tensions may arise. Reiki teaches us that by healing and balancing our internal energy, we can also improve our external relationships. The Importance of Self-Healing Working with Reiki begins with oneself. Before attempting to heal or improve a relationship, it is essential to look inward and ask: What aspects of my energy need attention? Am I projecting insecurities, fears, or resentments onto my relationships? Through self-healing, we can balance energy, foster self-love, and strengthen our ability to establish healthy boundaries. This creates a solid foundation for interacting with others from a place of integrity and authenticity. Healing Relationships Through Reiki Reiki offers tools to heal relationships on an energetic level: 1. Sending Energy to Relationships: Using the distance healing technique, practitioners can direct positive energy toward a specific relationship. This does not mean controlling or manipulating the situation but sending intentions of peace, harmony, and mutual understanding. 2. Energy Cleansing: Relationships can accumulate dense energy due to conflicts or past experiences. Reiki can help release these burdens, allowing for a fresh start. 3. Chakra balance: Each relationship may be associated with one or more energy centres (chakras). For instance, communication conflicts may relate to the throat chakra, while trust issues may link to the heart chakra. Working on these centres can unblock and restore harmony. Daily Practices to Foster Healthy Relationships In addition to specific Reiki techniques, we can incorporate habits into our daily lives to nurture our relationships: · Practicing Gratitude: Recognizing and appreciating the blessings each relationship brings, even in challenges. · Meditating for Empathy: Using guided Reiki meditations to develop a deeper understanding of others' emotions and perspectives. · Setting Clear Intentions: Before interacting with someone, we can set a positive intention, such as fostering peace or strengthening mutual understanding. Unconditional Love as a Guide One of the fundamental principles of Reiki is unconditional love. This concept invites us to accept others as they are, without judgment or attempts to change them. In relationships, this means offering support, respect, and understanding, even when facing differences. Reiki reminds us that every person we encounter is a reflection of ourselves. By honouring this connection, we can transform our relationships into sacred spaces of learning and evolution. Conclusion From a Reiki perspective, interpersonal relationships are more than mere interactions; they are an exchange of energy and an opportunity for healing and growth. By working on our internal energy, we can create a positive impact on our relationships and experience deeper, more harmonious, and meaningful connections. This inner work also extends outward, promoting collective healing and nurturing a greater sense of unconditional love and compassion in the world

Finding Love in the Time of Swipes

By Esther Oon-Bybjerg • January 28, 2025
Amanda* (not her real name) sat on the couch opposite me, phone in hand, staring at the freshly downloaded dating app. Again. It wasn’t the first time she had sworn off swiping, declaring herself done with the endless loop of mismatched conversations and vanishing connections. But here she was, redownloading it after another short-lived hiatus. “Maybe this time,” she said, “there’ll be better options?” Yet, a part of her knew this pattern all too well - the mix of hope and hesitation, the lure of possibility clashing with memories of frustration. Amanda’s experience is far from unique. For many, dating apps represent both opportunity and emotional exhaustion, a seemingly endless cycle of deleting, reinstalling, and wondering if meaningful connections are still out there. While dating has always had its challenges, the digital age has introduced unique complexities that require a different kind of navigation. From a therapist’s perspective, modern dating offers unique opportunities for growth while testing one’s ability to navigate uncertainty and vulnerability. It provides invaluable insights into emotional awareness, boundary-setting, and personal values. By taking a closer look at the most common challenges in modern dating, we can uncover strategies to approach them with courage, curiosity and intentionality. The Double-Edged Sword of Dating Apps Dating apps are a prime example of modern dating’s double-edged sword. Take, for instance, the cycle many people find themselves in: downloading an app with hopeful optimism, swiping through matches, and engaging in a few conversations that seem promising. Then, after a string of awkward exchanges or being ghosted, the frustration sets in. The app gets deleted. Weeks later, optimism creeps back in, and the app gets reinstalled. It’s a love-hate relationship that feels all too familiar to many. This pattern highlights the paradox of choice, a psychological concept popularized by Barry Schwartz. When faced with too many options, our ability to make satisfying decisions diminishes. Dating apps, while offering a wider pool of potential matches, can leave users feeling overwhelmed and disheartened. To break free from this cycle, it’s helpful to set boundaries. Limiting the time spent swiping and focusing on meaningful conversations rather than sheer volume can make the process more manageable and enjoyable. Decoding Mixed Signals Mixed signals are another frequent challenge in modern dating. Imagine meeting someone who seems genuinely interested, only for their communication to become inconsistent. Plans get cancelled, being left on read, and you can’t help but wonder whether to hold on or move on. This ambiguity often stems from the indirect nature of digital communication, where tone, body language, and intent are easily lost. Studies on interpersonal communication reveal that nonverbal cues play a significant role in understanding emotional intent. Without them, misunderstandings are common. The key to navigating this is clear and direct communication. Asking straightforward questions about intentions can reduce uncertainty and help establish where you stand, sparing yourself unnecessary overthinking. The Pain of Ghosting Ghosting - abruptly cutting off communication without explanation - is a particularly painful phenomenon in modern dating. It leaves individuals questioning what went wrong and often triggers feelings of rejection. Research shows that ghosting activates areas of the brain associated with physical pain, underscoring the deep emotional impact it can have. Understanding that ghosting often reflects the ghoster’s avoidance tendency as well as discomfort with confrontation rather than your worth can be a powerful reframe. It’s a reminder that closure doesn’t always come from external validation but from self-compassion and acceptance. The Reality of Rejection Rejection is another universal experience, yet it remains one of the hardest to navigate. It often prompts negative self-reflection, leading individuals to question their attractiveness or compatibility. However, resilience research highlights the importance of reframing rejection as redirection. It’s not about your shortcomings but about aligning with someone whose values and goals better match your own. By adopting a growth mindset, rejection becomes less about failure and more about learning. This perspective not only builds confidence but also fosters a healthier approach to future connections. The Pressure to Be Perfect Social media adds another layer of complexity to modern dating, often creating pressure to present an idealized version of oneself. The curated lives portrayed online can set unrealistic standards, making dating feel more like a performance than an authentic experience. Focusing on authenticity rather than external validation can help alleviate this pressure. By being genuine and present, you create deeper, more meaningful connections that are built on trust rather than appearances. Navigating Dating Fatigue The repeated cycles of connection and disconnection can lead to dating fatigue, where the process feels draining rather than exciting. To counter this, it’s important to prioritize quality over quantity and allow yourself breaks when needed. By approaching dating with realistic expectations and self-care, you can renew your energy and optimism. A Practical Perspective on Modern Dating Modern dating isn’t about a perfect formula or guaranteed success. It reflects the complexities of human connection in a fast-paced, technology-driven world. Dating apps and other digital tools are neither inherently good nor bad - they’re simply one of many resources available to foster connection. While these platforms can be frustrating, they also offer opportunities to meet people you might never encounter otherwise. Rather than viewing apps as the definitive path to love, see them as one piece of a broader approach. Pair their convenience with intentionality: prioritize offline interactions, nurture existing relationships, and remember that your self-worth isn’t tied to your online presence. Modern dating doesn’t need to be a source of despair. It can be a reminder of the resilience and adaptability required to maximize the evolving ways we connect as humans
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