How to Reconnect and Rekindle Romance with Your Partner

Dr. Glenn Graves, PhD

I often hear my clients saying how they caught up with an old friend they hadn’t talked to in years and it was like “no time had passed”. I have experienced the same and it amazes me how the beauty of old friendships can be preserved over time.

I have reflected on this time of Covid-19, and how this pandemic is impacting the community and in particular, couples. It strikes me that many of my couples counseling clients, prior to Covid-19, would describe their partner with a melancholic meandering, as the old friend they once had, who is now more like a stranger or even antagonist at times. They feel alone in the marriage and household, struggling with time management and work life balance and the majority complain about the lack of time with their kids or spouse, or more importantly their self. Then came Covid-19 and suddenly the Universe granted everyone’s wish, Right? Sadly this has caused great challenge for these partnered strangers now being housebound and “imprisoned” in the same shelter.

I believe in the art of reframe and tend to see this situation as a new opportunity for what Esther Perel calls mating in captivity. It is my deepest wish that all couple’s whether you are housebound together or apart, attempt to reframe this situation to take advantage of this rare opportunity. I know this is easier said than done and suddenly being thrust into a house with a veritable stranger is daunting, but this stranger is only a stranger because one or both let things drift. This person who you met at the pub or church or at a friend’s house party, or at work, used to ignite something in you. This person took your attention and became a priority, at least for a while, until the marriage ceremony or move in was complete. It is easy for couples to drift, especially after kids are brought into their worlds, but the majority of that original person (focus of your desire) is still intact and still there, just more shell shocked perhaps.

The good news is most relationships can be considered organic in the notion that growth comes from nurturing. If you were seeking enlightenment, you might spend more time in focused meditation or chanting mantras, if you wanted a deeper walk in your spiritual world you would spend more time in study, or deep contemplation and reverent honoring of the belief system. Why can’t we apply the same to relationships? If we allow the dynamic to become two people in a power play for the household, we can imagine where that will end up. This is especially the case, if one has been typically running the show already. So let’s step back and re-invest in the before-kids-vision of the couple’s relationship, when you could laugh and dream, and were constantly pursuing affection with the other. Trust me, the kids want this atmosphere as well.

The miscommunications, attitudes, and hurtful acts which have occurred in the ensuing years and which have created this vast divide, were just part of an unhealthy intimacy. It’s not your fault. Nobody explained how to handle the first 10 years of marriage and kids. This circuit breaker is meant to power down the old energy source. It’s meant to create a pause, and repair, then force a reboot to the system, bringing new energy and new charge!

Here are some ideas I would like all couples of Covid-19 to explore during circuit breaker:

Partner A: You were a hunter for your partner once. In that state of want and pursuit, you were incredibly creative. Remember? You were gallant and chivalrous and adventurous and expressive, and romantic and very clever when planning your seduction. Now is your chance to bring that back. If you can’t be inspired by your partner because too much drifting has taken place, then let it be an exercise towards “enlightenment”. Take the first steps without knowing what will come of it, but knowing what you want to come of it. Or do it for the pure fun of being creative, in a way that benefits your partner.

If you are in the house together or if circuit breaker has you apart, look around the house. Be MacGyver for a moment. What furnishings, foods, toys, could help you create a spontaneous and romantic getaway, while in the same house. A staycation at home so to speak. Perhaps pick a place you have always wanted to travel to together and create it. A trip around the world can be brought to the living room through YouTube HD drone videos of most countries of the world, cuisine of any country can be made in your kitchen or ordered in. Costumes or local flair is easy to find in your closet when you really need to impress her. Additional props are strewn throughout the house from those souvenirs and trinkets you picked up and always wondered how you would use them.

Partner B, when we look at the 5 love languages the majority of the men I’ve met would say that Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch are their preferred ways of receiving love. So at least express one of these during this housebound era.

Create an authentic way to offer affirmation. Choose three things you like about your partner and offer this observation or insight with them. Even if it’s what John Gottman calls Positivity in Conflict, find a way to praise. This is when you would say what is good about this thing you want changed. For example, “Honey, I can overhear how amazing you are with your colleagues. You are so patient and kind when you are handling challenges with them, and I can imagine how much they all respect you”. I don’t feel the same kind of kind energy from you when we face challenges recently. What do you think is interfering with us? The tone you use to deliver this has to be sincere. Try to choose a positive statement that you actually believe and deliver the conflict part of the statement in the same genuine tone, so it won’t come across as sarcasm or condescending.

*This might seem like a passive way to seduce your partner but trust me, men have natural desires and in most cases are just trying to clear the obstacles to fulfilling that desire. If they feel undervalued or even worse, irrelevant, this is an obstacle.

For both partners, take responsibility for the relationship with this other human being. This person had dreams and hopes before meeting you. They had loving family who want the best for them. This dreamer is still alive and trying to live a life of value without getting lost in the process. Help them find their way, as you had promised once.

Both parties can consider what lifts their spirits or builds on their resources. Make a list and see which areas match. Maybe it’s a music genre you both love, or a faith/practice (religion, yoga, meditation, etc.) you have been wanting to explore, then plan the activity together. These are all available online. Remember the things that can hurt us like sexual disconnection, value conflicts, can also be re-aligned and bring intimacy. Even financial re-visioning can bring a form of intimacy as it links directly to safety and security and shared dreaming.

Massage is another I highly recommend especially because social physical connection is the one thing we are all craving the most at a time like this. A sensual massage conveys attraction, care, desire and is ultimately a very loving act in itself. Obviously both parties can offer this to the other. This is the most direct way of nurturing the organic love.

Remember, if we are creating safety, investing in trust building behaviors, and offering adventures in our sincere pursuit of each other, the rest should flow naturally. The suggestion above are not intended to imply you should return to your partner, as a representative from the past (the old you). It is okay that you have evolved and changed, but let this new situation bring a new conversation with an old friend. Take time to get to know this person you chose so many years ago. The ideas above are just a few ways to kickstart the new adventure. This global social distancing initiative is a beautiful and very rare opportunity to revisit and reconnect with your old friend and life partner. Move away from melancholy towards magic moments in the present, while creating new memories for the future.

Carpe Diem!

About the Author: Dr. Glenn Graves is an American psychologist who has lived and worked in Asia since 2004. The founder and director of Counseling Perspective, Glenn has nearly two decades of experience in providing counselling support to local and expatriate individuals, couples, and families in Singapore. His specialities include child counselling and trauma recovery. Read Full Bio >

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Finding a Therapist Who Truly Understands: The Power of Relatability in Therapy

By Satomi Ogata • February 1, 2025

At 17, one of my teachers told me I was dyslexic and that I needed to “work extra hard” to succeed. At 33, an educational psychologist officially diagnosed me with broad dyslexia (Reading Comprehension Impairment) and visual-spatial reasoning difficulties. However, the true turning point in my journey came at 37 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was a moment of clarity that reframed decades of self-doubt and burnout. Burnout and the Breaking Point The tipping point came when I experienced severe burnout at work. I’ve always taken immense pride in my career, pouring my passion into creating opportunities and fostering growth for others. As an HR professional working for one of the most purposeful organizations, I was determined to give my best. But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t shake the relentless feeling that I was falling short or that I wasn’t good enough.This internal battle slowly eroded my confidence until I found myself doubting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks. It felt like the harder I tried, the further behind I fell. The burnout, however, wasn’t just about work. It was the culmination of years of unprocessed emotions, cultural pressures, and the invisible toll of undiagnosed ADHD. For so long, I had been carrying an emotional and mental weight that I didn’t even realize was there. I was trying to meet impossible standards, juggling conflicting cultural expectations, and masking my struggles -including myself - would see how overwhelmed I truly was. Growing up as a Japanese woman, the cultural pressure to conform was ever-present. The phrase “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” (出る釘は打たれる) loomed large in my life, discouraging individuality and emphasizing the importance of fitting in. This cultural backdrop made navigating hidden disabilities like dyslexia, ADHD, and autism particularly isolating. In many Asian communities, neurodivergence is often misunderstood or seen as something to be “fixed.” Statements like “you just need to work harder” or dismissals of struggles as “bad parenting” are common and contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health. These deep-seated beliefs made seeking support feel daunting and, at times, even shameful. Meeting Mia: The Power of Relatability in Therapy In the depths of my burnout, I reached out to Dr. Glenn Graves, my former therapist in Singapore, who referred me to Mia Makino, a Japanese American therapist. From our very first session, I felt an immediate connection with Mia. She didn’t just listen; she truly understood. She recognized the cultural nuances of being Japanese and bicultural, as well as the complexities of navigating the duality between two distinct cultural frameworks. I did not expect how transformative this sense of relatability would be. Mia’s unique perspective allowed her to address not only the symptoms of my ADHD and burnout but also the deeply rooted cultural stigmas and self-doubt that has been holding me back for so long. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), she helped me unpack years of internalized shame and perfectionism - traits so often reinforced by societal expectations in Japan. Mia’s approach to therapy wasn’t just about the symptoms; it was about empowering me to embrace who I am. She helped me see that my ADHD and dyslexia were not weaknesses but parts of me that could be understood, managed, and even celebrated. Her guidance gave me permission to stop fighting so hard to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. Sharing My Story to Empower Others Seeking therapy and working with someone who truly understood both my neurodivergence and my cultural identity was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. It gave me the tools to heal, the courage to embrace my authentic self, and the clarity to redefine my path. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to seek support and break free from the stigma surrounding mental health and neurodivergence. Diagnoses like ADHD are not limitations; they are opportunities to better understand ourselves and to create lives that align with our strengths and needs. For anyone navigating similar challenges—whether cultural, neurodivergent, or both—know that you are not alone. The right support, whether through therapy, coaching, or community, can make a world of difference. And remember, the journey toward self-compassion begins with the courage to embrace who you are, unapologetically and wholeheartedly. A New Chapter: From Healing to Advocacy Thanks to Mia’s support, I’m now transitioning into a new chapter of my life. I’m designing training programs and workshops for HR professionals and leaders in Asia to help break the stigma surrounding neurodivergence. My mission is to create workplaces that are inclusive, supportive, and free from discrimination—environments where people can thrive regardless of their differences. I’m also pursuing certifications as an ADHD and executive coach to support individuals who may feel isolated or misunderstood. I want to be an advocate for those struggling in silence, helping them find their voice, their confidence, and their potential. For so long, I believed that being the “nail that sticks out” was a flaw. But now, I see it as a strength. Every challenge I’ve faced has brought me closer to understanding who I am. And in that understanding, I’ve found not only healing but also purpose—the opportunity to help others embrace their own journeys and create a world where the invisible becomes invincible. Satomi Ogata https://www.linkedin.com/in/satomi-beyondbias/

Interpersonal Relationships from the Perspective of Reiki

By Mariangel Gonzalez • January 28, 2025

In the journey of life, interpersonal relationships play a fundamental role. From a Reiki perspective, these connections are not just human encounters but profound opportunities for spiritual growth, energy exchange, and mutual healing. Universal Energy and Relationships Reiki is based on the idea that everything in the universe is connected through universal energy. Every relationship we form—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or partners—is influenced by the flow of this energy. When our energies are balanced and flow harmoniously, our interactions also tend to be more positive and enriching. However, when our energies are imbalanced, conflicts, misunderstandings, and tensions may arise. Reiki teaches us that by healing and balancing our internal energy, we can also improve our external relationships. The Importance of Self-Healing Working with Reiki begins with oneself. Before attempting to heal or improve a relationship, it is essential to look inward and ask: What aspects of my energy need attention? Am I projecting insecurities, fears, or resentments onto my relationships? Through self-healing, we can balance energy, foster self-love, and strengthen our ability to establish healthy boundaries. This creates a solid foundation for interacting with others from a place of integrity and authenticity. Healing Relationships Through Reiki Reiki offers tools to heal relationships on an energetic level: 1. Sending Energy to Relationships: Using the distance healing technique, practitioners can direct positive energy toward a specific relationship. This does not mean controlling or manipulating the situation but sending intentions of peace, harmony, and mutual understanding. 2. Energy Cleansing: Relationships can accumulate dense energy due to conflicts or past experiences. Reiki can help release these burdens, allowing for a fresh start. 3. Chakra balance: Each relationship may be associated with one or more energy centres (chakras). For instance, communication conflicts may relate to the throat chakra, while trust issues may link to the heart chakra. Working on these centres can unblock and restore harmony. Daily Practices to Foster Healthy Relationships In addition to specific Reiki techniques, we can incorporate habits into our daily lives to nurture our relationships: · Practicing Gratitude: Recognizing and appreciating the blessings each relationship brings, even in challenges. · Meditating for Empathy: Using guided Reiki meditations to develop a deeper understanding of others' emotions and perspectives. · Setting Clear Intentions: Before interacting with someone, we can set a positive intention, such as fostering peace or strengthening mutual understanding. Unconditional Love as a Guide One of the fundamental principles of Reiki is unconditional love. This concept invites us to accept others as they are, without judgment or attempts to change them. In relationships, this means offering support, respect, and understanding, even when facing differences. Reiki reminds us that every person we encounter is a reflection of ourselves. By honouring this connection, we can transform our relationships into sacred spaces of learning and evolution. Conclusion From a Reiki perspective, interpersonal relationships are more than mere interactions; they are an exchange of energy and an opportunity for healing and growth. By working on our internal energy, we can create a positive impact on our relationships and experience deeper, more harmonious, and meaningful connections. This inner work also extends outward, promoting collective healing and nurturing a greater sense of unconditional love and compassion in the world

Is Your Relationship Due for a Mindset Reset?

By Esther Oon-Bybjerg • January 28, 2025

Your partner forgets to text you back after a long day, and you think, "They don’t care about me." Or they casually mention plans with friends that don’t include you, and you wonder, "Am I not important to them anymore?" These passing negative thoughts may seem trivial, but they reflect deeper narratives we unconsciously construct about our partners and relationships. In relationships, the way we think about our partners and their actions matters deeply. As relationships evolve, we develop beliefs about our partners and the relationship. These beliefs shape how we feel, act and respond to them. As a couple therapist, I have witnessed how it is often not the events themselves that drive disconnection, but the interpretations and narratives we attach to them. Relationships get strained by negative thought patterns because these hidden beliefs about our partners and their actions silently erode connection and fuel resentment. However, a simple shift in mindset can improve the quality of your relationship. The Cycle of Negative Perception We often assume that our perceptions of reality are objective. However, our minds act as powerful filters, shaping how we interpret our partner's words and actions. For instance, if you believe, “They don’t care about me,” a forgotten text message might feel like proof of neglect. On the other hand, if you think, “They’re doing the best they can,” the same situation might seem like a genuine oversight which is understandable. These thoughts set the emotional tone for your relationship, influencing how you feel during moments of connection or tension. Small disappointments or unmet needs that go unaddressed can gradually shift your perspective, leading you to interpret interactions through a lens of frustration or resentment. This process can be driven by cognitive biases which are mental shortcuts that help us process information quickly, but they can also distort reality in ways that harm relationships. Here are some common thought patterns that I often see in couples: Confirmation bias Selectively focus on evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring anything that contradicts them. If you believe your partner is inconsiderate, you'll likely notice every instance of forgetfulness while overlooking their thoughtful gestures. Black-and-white thinking Seeing things as either all good or all bad, such as “They never listen to me” or “They’re always selfish.” This mindset prevents you from seeing the complexities in your partner’s behavior and stops you from appreciating the shades of gray in their actions. Personalization Interpreting your partner’s actions as a direct reflection of their feelings toward you. For example, when they’re late, you might think, “They don’t respect my time,” instead of considering that they could be dealing with an unexpected situation. Mind reading Assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or intentions without asking or clarifying. If they don’t initiate physical affection, you may think, “They’re not attracted to me anymore,” when they may simply be tired or dealing with stress. Catastrophizing Jumping to the worst possible conclusion, such as thinking, “This argument means we’re heading for a breakup,” instead of seeing it as a normal part of any relationship. Negative filtering Focusing only on your partner’s flaws while disregarding their positive qualities. For example, after a few instances of your partner being late, you may start seeing them as unreliable, ignoring all the times they’ve been on time. Ways to Reset Your Mindset Changing entrenched thought patterns isn't about ignoring or avoiding important issues. It's about cultivating a more mindful and intentional approach to your relationship. Negative thoughts can quickly escalate emotions, leading to impulsive reactions that hurt the relationship. A mindset reset helps you assess the situation more objectively respond more thoughtfully. Here are some strategies to break free from the negative thought patterns. Cultivate gratitude Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consciously seek out moments of kindness, no matter how small. Appreciate the thoughtful gestures your partner makes. Recognizing these efforts reinforces the positive in your relationship, helping you see your partner in a more favorable light. Challenge your assumptions The next time a negative thought arises, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself, "Is there another way to interpret this?" Instead of defaulting to "They’re not prioritizing me," try reframing it as "They’re just overwhelmed with deadlines right now." This shift in perspective can defuse unnecessary tension and foster a deeper understanding between you and your partner. Seek clarification, not conclusions Instead of jumping to conclusions based on a fleeting moment, engage in conversation. For example, say, “I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Would you like to talk about it? Asking questions shows genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and prevents misunderstandings. Embrace a growth mindset See challenges as opportunities for growth, not signs of incompatibility. When conflicts arise, view them as chances to improve your communication and problem-solving skills together. A growth mindset allows you to navigate difficulties as a team, strengthening your bond and building mutual support. Assume positive intent Start from a place of trust. Believe your partner cares about you and is doing their best. Even when things don’t go perfectly, choosing to assume positive intent softens the impact of misunderstandings. This mindset fosters patience, understanding, and deeper trust between you and your partner. When to seek help Sometimes, deeply ingrained thought patterns are challenging to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the root causes of these patterns, understand how they affect your relationship, and learn tools to address them. By recognizing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns, we can create space for mutual empathy, understanding, and respect. These changes don’t happen overnight, but with patience and intentionality, even small mindset shifts can lead to profound transformations.