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From Shame to Self-Compassion: Navigating Vulnerability in Therapy

Emanuela Koch

As a therapist, I have observed that shame is a prevalent topic among my clients. Often, when exploring their presenting issues and underlying causes, shame emerges as a significant factor. It is a subject that resonates deeply with me, both personally and professionally. My own therapeutic journey, coupled with the professional interactions with my clients, has solidified my understanding of shame in the human experience.



According to Brown, shame is "the fear of being unlovable—a profound sense of believing we are flawed and thus unworthy of love and connection."1. Unlike guilt, which relates to specific actions, shame questions our very essence: "I did something bad" versus "I am bad." I think this definition is really important to understand what is going on for us. We often mistakenly label feelings of shame as "guilt" or "badness." Recognizing the true nature of shame is essential for addressing it effectively. 


Shame is essentially a strong dislike of who we are, a fear of disconnection. It is also a universal human experience, familiar to everyone. We often experience shame more frequently than we realize, not only in major life events but also in our daily interactions. Shame can be triggered by rejection from a partner, a critical remark from a colleague, comparisons with perceived successes of friends, or our children's misbehavior. Opportunities for shame abound in our lives. Despite its universality and prevalence, shame often remains hidden, a topic we avoid discussing. However, research2 shows that suppressing shame can amplify its power. Thriving in secrecy, shame feeds on our reluctance to acknowledge and share it, rooted in the belief that vulnerability will make us unlovable. Shame, therefore, disconnects us and undermines our sense of belonging. We are wired for connection and belonging and, when we cannot access those experiences, our own sense of humanity is wounded. 


While discussing the topic of shame with my clients, I have observed that it is a particularly prevalent issue for many men, often stemming from societal pressures that discourage emotional vulnerability. Traditional expectations of masculinity, emphasizing self-reliance and emotional restraint, can make men less likely to share their vulnerability with family and friends or to seek professional help. However, this reluctance to seek help leads to disconnection, as mentioned above, contributing to higher rates of untreated mental health issues like depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and even suicide. In Singapore, in 2023, men accounted for 69%3 of the suicide cases reported in Singapore.


The therapeutic approach I like to follow when helping clients to acknowledge and process their shame and stems from Brown and Dr. Neff's research and it revolves around three steps:


1. Owning Our Stories with self-compassion: Firstly, instead of avoiding or distracting ourselves from experiencing shame, we can confront and understand our experience. What triggered the shame? Where and how did the shamemanifest in the body? How did we respond to it? Secondly, we can apply self-compassion. Dr. Neff defines self-compassion4 as treating oneself with kindness and understanding during difficult times, rather than being overly critical or judgmental. Self-compassion is not about self-pity or, as many clients point out, about complacency, it is about recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience, rather than feeling isolated in our struggles and it is about being aware of painful thoughts and feelings, rather than ignoring them or identifying with them. By being curious and compassionate about the triggers and significance of these moments, we reclaim agency over our narratives and, as a consequence, preserve our self-worth by preventing ourselves from falling into the usual shame narrative of “I am bad”. 


2. Responding to Shame: Cultivating curiosity and compassion about our responses to shame also allows us to choose our reactions intentionally. By understanding our habitual responses and opting for self-affirming actions, we weaken shame's grip on our lives.


3. Sharing Our Stories: Once we own our stories we can share them with someone who we know will offer unconditional love and acceptance. This can be a therapist, a trusted friend or family member. This sharing process fosters our ability to be vulnerable and allows us to ask for what we need, counteracting shame's isolating effects, and helping us to cultivate authentic connections.

Ultimately, the journey to understanding shame is complex but vital for experiencing genuine connection and belonging. By acknowledging and confronting shame, we pave the way for authentic relationships and a profound sense of belonging.

 

 

1Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. New York: Penguin/Gotham Books.

2Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services,87(1), 43–52. https://doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.3483

3Samaritans of Singapore (SOS). (2023, July). Highest recorded suicide numbers in Singapore since 2000 [Press release]. Retrieved fromhttps://www.sos.org.sg/media/press-releases/

4Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.New York: Hodder & Stoughton.

New Beginning - Setting Intentions for a Fulfilling 2025

By Aki Tsukui • December 31, 2024
As we welcome 2025, the energy of a new beginning surrounds us—a chance to reflect on what truly matters. This year, let’s shift from traditional resolutions to something more lasting: setting intentions. Intentions are powerful, guiding principles rooted in our core values. Unlike rigid resolutions, intentions foster a purposeful, meaningful approach to life, grounding us in who we truly want to be rather than what we feel pressured to achieve. Intentions: A Path to Holistic Living At Elemental Wellness, we see intentions as seeds of growth planted within our mind, body, and spirit. They offer a holistic foundation that centers us in the present moment, helping us cultivate a life of alignment and fulfillment. Unlike resolutions that demand specific outcomes, intentions focus on nurturing our internal experience, making space for lasting change. Consider these examples as inspiration for your own intentions this year: 1. Mind: "I intend to create space for clarity and calm, inviting peace of mind amidst the day-to-day." 2. Body: "I will listen to my body’s needs and care for it with nourishment, movement, and rest." 3. Spirit: "I aim to nurture connection, choosing gratitude and self-compassion as my guiding values." By focusing on these elements, we can shape a path that encourages us to grow from within. Creating Rituals for Lasting New Beginnings Rituals give structure to our intentions, grounding them in daily practice. They don’t have to be complicated—simple acts can keep us connected to our values and intentions. Here are a few suggestions: - Morning Reflection: Begin each morning with a moment of calm or a breathwork practice. Even a few minutes of focused breathing can align you with your intentions. - Intentional Writing: Write down your intentions regularly—whether as a word, phrase, or affirmation. Keeping these notes visible helps us stay connected throughout the day. - Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness, whether through intentional breathing, body scan, meditative reflection, or simply spending time in nature, can deepen our connection to our intentions on both a physical and emotional level. Finding Strength in Community Living with intention becomes even more meaningful when we share our journey with others. At Elemental Wellness, we are passionate about fostering a supportive community where people can connect, inspire, and grow together. Through workshops, group sessions, and coaching, we offer spaces to help you stay anchored in your intentions. Together, we can encourage and uplift one another in our paths to fulfillment. Throughout my journey, setting intentions has been nothing short of transformative. As a co-founder of Elemental Wellness, I’ve witnessed how living with intention isn’t just a choice but a powerful shift—one that brings profound peace, clarity, and purpose. For 2025, my commitment is to live with deep presence and purpose, trusting that this alignment will create a life of richer meaning and fulfillment. My hope is that, together, we can help you embrace this same grounded path, empowering you to cultivate a year filled with authenticity, connection, and inner strength. Setting Your Intentions As we start this new chapter, I invite you to set intentions for the year ahead. Write down one intention for your mind, body, and spirit. Reflect on them regularly, letting them serve as a compass to guide you with clarity and compassion. In 2025, may you find purpose, resilience, and connection, supported by a community dedicated to holistic wellness. Welcome to a year of alignment, new beginnings, and deeper meaning. Here’s to a fulfilling 2025.
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Love, Sex, and Relationships in Therapy: A Holistic Approach

By Cheryl MacDonald • December 1, 2024
As a therapist and tantric practitioner, I've learned that when people come to discuss their relationships, they're often bringing layers of complex emotions and unmet needs. Over the years, I've seen how love, sex, and relationships are so deeply interconnected that you can't address one without impacting the others. Whether you're working on relationship issues alone or with your partner, considering all three together can be the key to significant change. In therapy, treating these aspects as a whole is where the real transformation happens. It's not about fixing what's broken; it's about helping you create a life and relationship that feel fulfilling, both emotionally and physically. Why Love, Sex, and Relationships Must Be Treated As A Whole Emotional and Physical Intimacy One couple I worked with felt stuck in their relationship. What seemed like communication issues was actually an emotional disconnection directly tied to their lack of physical intimacy. One partner felt shut out emotionally, and as a result, the other was pulling away sexually because he didn't know how to express his feelings. Addressing both their emotional and physical intimacy together led to real shifts in their relationship. Sexual Health and Relationship Satisfaction Clients often think their sexual struggles are purely physical, but these issues usually point to something deeper. I worked with a couple whose physical relationship had fizzled out over the years. Avoiding the topic entirely, they didn't realize that the emotional disconnect was affecting their sexual health. Bringing their sexual well-being into the conversation revealed unmet needs, allowing them to rebuild that aspect of their relationship. Individual Growth vs. Couple Dynamics Individual growth is just as important as relationship growth. Many clients come to work on their relationship as an individual. Thai could be because their partner doesn’t want to come to therapy; it’s something they can’t or don’t want to discuss with their partner or they’re recovering from divorce or a break up and want to get rid of unhealthy relationship patterns. One client of mine kept attracting the same types of men, which ultimately led to her having negative experiences. Through therapy, she realized her relationship with love and sex had been shaped by unhealed early experiences. By focusing on her own personal healing, she was able to have healthier, more fulfilling relationships. The Benefits of Holistic Therapy for Love, Sex, and Relationships Integrative Therapy Approaches Training in Dr. Tammy Nelson's integrative approach, which treats emotional and sexual intimacy together, has shown me how sexual challenges often mirror our emotional struggles. I worked with a couple married for nearly 20 years who loved each other but the physical spark had gone. It was so important to explore both the emotional and physical aspects of their relationship, and this helped them rebuild intimacy from the inside out. The Role of Tantra in Strengthening Bonds Tantra is an invaluable tool for couples looking to reconnect on a deeper level. When people hear the word ‘Tantra’ they immediately think about sex, but there is so much more to it than that.Tantra is actually a spiritual practice that aims to integrate the body, mind, and spirit and includes a range of teachings, meditation and rituals. I remember working with one couple, who felt like they’d lost the closeness they once had after years of marriage. They weren’t sure how to get it back, and the pressure to “fix” their sex life felt overwhelming. I introduced them to some simple Tantra-inspired exercises — not focusing on sex itself, but on breathing together and being fully present with each other. Using small, intentional practices can help couples to find their way back to intimacy. It wasn’t magic; it was simple mindfulness. Working On Yourself NOT Just Your Relationship One client loved her partner deeply but felt her own needs were constantly on the backburner. Through therapy, she realized that being in a relationship didn't have to mean neglecting herself. We explored her desires, her personal boundaries, and the importance of loving herself as an individual, which ultimately strengthened her relationship. She found that attending to her own needs made her feel more balanced and was better able to be there for her partner. How Therapy Can Help Individuals Address Love and Sexuality Unpacking Your Personal Beliefs About Love and Sex We all have core beliefs about love and sex, often stemming from our upbringing. One of my clients grew up in a strict household where sex was never discussed and surrounded by shame. As an adult, he struggled to enjoy sex due to this subconscious guilt. In therapy, we unpacked these core beliefs, where they came from and allowed him to question and rewrite these narratives. This shift opened up new possibilities for intimacy in his relationship. Healing Sexual Trauma and Shame Sexual trauma can have profound effects on relationships, and it's something I approach with great care. One client that I worked with experienced trauma in her teens had never felt comfortable discussing it. In therapy, we worked through her deep-seated feelings of shame and fear, helping her reconnect with her body in a gentle, safe way using Somatic practices. Seeing her move toward self-acceptance and opening up to relationships and intimacy was very emotional. Improving Self-Esteem and Sexual Confidence For some clients, the root issue is a lack of confidence. One client came to me feeling self-conscious about her body and unsure how to communicate her desires. We focused on encouraging her to love her body and soul; and building her self-esteem and sexual confidence. Gradually, she began to see herself differently, becoming more confident not just in the bedroom but in every area of her life. How Therapy Supports Couples in Navigating Love, Sex, and Relationships Reigniting Desire Dr. Nelson's practices for reigniting desire have been transformative for many of my clients. Couples often end up feeling like "roommates" rather than romantic partners. We start by helping them reconnect emotionally, then explore practical ways to reignite physical desire. It's about creating a safe space where desire can naturally revive, not about forcing intimacy. Communicating Your Needs and Boundaries Communication is everything in relationships, including discussions about sex. Many couples avoid these conversations for years. Therapy will provide a space to practice talking about needs and boundaries. Once they begin, couples often find their connection deepens in their everyday life in unexpected ways, because of that opening up and honesty. Tantra-Inspired Practices for Connection Sometimes, the simple practices create the most powerful changes. Incorporating Tantra-inspired exercises focusing on touch, breath, and presence can help to create a sense of closeness that couples may have thought was gone forever.  Why Address Love, Sex, and Relationships Holistically Understanding that love, sex, and relationships are interconnected helps everything make more sense. Emotional disconnection can lead to physical distance and vice versa. Looking at the bigger picture rather than fixing one problem at a time allows for finding balance. Our sexual well-being is closely tied to our emotional and physical health but often gets overlooked or ignored. Focusing on your sexual well-being can impact every area of your life. A healthy, fulfilling relationship—whether with yourself or a partner—is the foundation of a happier, more balanced life. Integrative Therapy that addresses love, sex, and relationships holistically is where rea, sustainable change happens. By integrating techniques from various therapy styles or Tantra practices, you can create opportunities for lasting change—not just in your relationships but in every area of your life. For more information, email: info@counselingperspective.com
An open book with a heart shaped shadow on the pages at sunset.

“Grief is Simply Love with Nowhere to Go”

By Wendy Morton • December 1, 2024
“Grief is Simply Love with Nowhere to Go” Quote from Chris Hall Chief Executive Officer of the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement As I sit down to write this piece, I’m reminded of a young woman, let’s call her Sally, who was utterly inconsolable after losing the love of her life 6 months before they were to be married. So profound was her sorrow, she struggled to find the strength to carry on. She was so enveloped in despair that it became difficult for her to distinguish whether it was her partner who had passed away or, in fact, herself. As a couple, they were not merely two separate individuals; they had become one. In losing him, she felt she had lost herself. Her pain was both physical and emotional. Grief is often described as a heavy, inescapable weight, a profound and overwhelming sense of loss. Yet, at its core, grief is simply ‘ love with nowhere to go’ . When we lose someone we cherish—a partner, a friend, a family member—the emotional pain we experience is a pure reflection of the depth of our love for them. In my work, I have witnessed the myriad ways grief manifests in individuals, but I have also seen the transformative power of allowing ourselves to feel that love, even amidst the sorrow. The Journey of Grief Grief is not linear; it’s a journey filled with twists, turns, and U-turns. Let’s not forget those U-turns that catch us off guard—moments when we think we’re managing our grief, only to be blindsided by something unexpected. In an instant, we find ourselves spinning 360 degrees around the roundabout, heading right back down Grief Highway. Grief encompasses a wide range of emotions—sadness, anger, confusion, and sometimes even guilt. There is often an unspoken expectation to "move on," to heal quickly, return to normal life. But, for anyone that has lost their ‘someone’, the thought of “moving on” is horrifying. It implies that life you shared, that love you shared, were simply moments, moments we can and should “move on” from, leave behind, in a sense forget. Instead we move forward in our grief. Move forward until we get to a place where it doesn’t hurt quite as much. Move forward till we get to a place where we can accept this new relationship we have with our someone. Embracing our grief in this way allows us to honour the love we shared with the person we have lost. Acknowledging Emotions The first step in traveling through grief is to acknowledge your emotions. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or lost. It’s equally acceptable to experience moments of joy when remembering your loved one. These emotions are all part of the tapestry of love, even though they may feel conflicting. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings; give them space to breathe. Writing in a journal, talking to a trusted friend, or expressing your thoughts through art can help release the pent-up emotions associated with grief. Talking to a professional can also help guide you through this uncharted territory you never chose. “Take Baby-steps and Wrap Yourself in Cotton Wool” As you navigate through your grief, practice self-compassion. Understand that it’s okay to have bad days where the weight of your loss feels particularly heavy. Grant yourself permission to take your time. Engage in self-care activities that nurture your spirit— go for a massage, walk in nature, or simply taking a moment to breathe deeply. These small acts of kindness toward yourself foster healing and allow love to circulate within you. The advice I gave Sally, and all of my grieving clients since, is to Seeking Support While the journey through grief can feel isolating, it is essential to seek support. Surround yourself with individuals who understand—friends, family, support groups, or a counsellor. Sharing your story and emotions can alleviate feelings of loneliness and create a sense of community. Remember that you are not alone on this journey; others have walked similar paths and can offer comfort and understanding. Finding Meaning in Grief One of the profound aspects of grief is the opportunity it provides to reflect on the love that was shared. Consider how you can keep your loved one’s memory alive. Create rituals or traditions that honour them—lighting a candle, cooking their favourite meal, or sharing stories about them with others. Such acts serve as a way to remember and also transform the grief into an ongoing expression of love. Sally once shared with me that she ‘mysteriously’ looked at her digital watch every day at the exact same time. The digits happened to reflect her fiancee’s date of birth. Seeing this every day, made her smile and served as a beautiful reminder of the love they both shared. Embracing the Journey Grief is an expression of love, a testament to the bonds we share, and a reminder that while our loved ones may be gone, the love we hold for them will always remain in our hearts. Embrace this process, and allow yourself the grace to move through it, step by step. Ultimately, grief is not about forgetting, but about transforming love into something that can continue to exist, even in the absence of the individual. As we travel through the landscape of our emotions, we learn to carry our love with us, finding new ways to express it. ……….and as for Sally. With the love of family, friends and professional support she sought, she moved through her grief. She found love again and now has a family of her own. But every single day she looks at her watch at that ‘special time’ and she smiles, filled with love for her special person.
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