The Attraction of Opposites: Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Are Drawn Together

The Attraction of Opposites: Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Are Drawn Together - and How to Make It Work

Esther Oon-Bybjerg

It’s often said that opposites attract, and nowhere is this truer than in the dynamic between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners.

At first glance, it might seem counterintuitive that someone who craves closeness would be drawn to someone who finds comfort in distance. But beneath this surface contradiction lies a powerful, if imperfect, symmetry: each brings a piece that the other is missing.

An anxious partner often feels alive in love, highly attuned to emotional shifts, and brings warmth and passion to their connection, while an avoidant partner offers a stabilizing sense of self-reliance and calm independence.

When these traits align initially, the appeal is magnetic. Anxious individuals may feel both intrigued and soothed by an avoidant’s confidence and space-keeping, feeling that this independence offers them something steady and stable.

Meanwhile, avoidant partners are intrigued by the anxious partner’s emotional depth and enthusiasm for connection, bringing warmth and care that feels both exciting and challenging

In the early stages, these differences feel complementary, sparking an initial attraction that can feel like a perfect balance.

Yet, over time, these differences can also create an inevitable friction.

Understanding the attachment styles behind the dynamic

At the core of these differences are two distinct attachment styles, which are shaped by early life experiences. Anxious attachment often stems from inconsistent caregiving, where love and attention were sometimes present, sometimes withheld, leaving a sense of unpredictability.

As a result, those with anxious attachment often pursue closeness, fearing abandonment, and feel safest in relationships where closeness is constant.

Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, is typically rooted in a different type of early experience - where independence was emphasized, or emotional distance was the norm. This leads avoidant partners to value autonomy and self-reliance, often shying away from the vulnerability that closeness requires.

When these two attachment styles come together, the anxious partner’s desire for closeness can unintentionally drive the avoidant partner to distance themselves, setting up a frustrating cycle of misunderstanding.

Traits of an anxious-avoidant relationship

In anxious-avoidant relationships, contrasting attachment styles often lead to recurring patterns that, if unrecognized, can create stress and misunderstanding.

The first and most prominent pattern is the pursuit and withdrawal cycle. When the anxious partner seeks closeness, it may feel overwhelming to the avoidant partner, who responds by pulling away to regain a sense of autonomy. This withdrawal, however, triggers the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, leading them to seek even more reassurance -a cycle that can quickly become emotionally draining for both.

Communication challenges add further strain. Anxious partners typically value frequent, intimate communication, while avoidant partners might interpret this as intrusive or dependent. This difference in expectations often leads each partner to view the other as either dismissive or overly clingy, creating frustration and disappointment.

During conflicts, the clash is often heightened: anxious partners may push for an immediate resolution to restore closeness, while avoidant partners retreat, needing space to process alone. This mismatch in conflict management can lead to unresolved issues and long-term resentment.

Over time, these patterns often contribute to emotional dissatisfaction, with the anxious partner feeling insecure and the avoidant partner feeling pressured, resulting in emotional exhaustion for both.

The hidden strengths of anxious-avoidant relationships

Despite these challenges, anxious-avoidant relationships hold unique strengths that can create the basis for a lasting partnership. Each partner brings distinct qualities that, when recognized and nurtured, can form a powerful, complementary dynamic.

Anxious partners are typically deeply empathetic and committed, bringing warmth and emotional depth to the relationship. They model vulnerability and openness, encouraging avoidant partners to explore closeness.

Avoidant partners, meanwhile, bring resilience and self-reliance, qualities that help ground the relationship, which in turn offers the anxious partner a sense of security. Together, these strengths enable each partner to complement the other in ways that build mutual respect and a balanced connection.

Breaking the push-pull cycle

While the push-pull dynamic may seem frustrating, breaking the cycle is possible with mutual understanding and a shared commitment to growth.

The first step is to shift perspective on attachment-related behaviors, recognizing them as coping mechanisms shaped by past experiences. This perspective encourages both partners to view each other's actions with empathy rather than frustration, seeing them as responses to deep-seated fears and needs.

Practicing compassionate reactions can also ease tension; for instance, if the anxious partner feels their needs aren’t being met, the avoidant partner might validate their feelings with a simple acknowledgment: “I understand that closeness is important to you.” Such responses foster a supportive environment where both partners feel heard.

Celebrating progress as each partner steps out of their comfort zone reinforces positive changes and a sense of teamwork. Whether it’s the avoidant partner initiating an emotionally open conversation or the anxious partner giving space without needing immediate reassurance, these small victories build trust and create a sense of shared accomplishment. By recognizing these moments, partners reinforce a collaborative approach to their relationship, strengthening the bond in ways that feel safe for both.

Transforming the Dynamic: Moving Toward a Healthier Connection

As each partner understands their own and each other’s attachment styles, intentional steps can help cultivate a more secure relationship.

Anxious partners can work on self-soothing and building self-confidence outside the relationship, which reduces the need for constant reassurance. Calm, clear communication of their needs can also help avoid overwhelming their partner.

Avoidant partners can take gradual steps toward emotional openness, learning that vulnerability doesn’t mean a loss of independence. Intentional moments of closeness provide reassurance for the anxious partner and help the avoidant partner build comfort with intimacy, establishing a foundation of security for both.

When Opposites Work: Embracing a Balanced Partnership

As the anxious partner learns self-reliance and the avoidant partner becomes comfortable with closeness, these couples can balance their differences in a way that enriches both connection and independence. With empathy, effort and a commitment to growth, even the most contrasting attachment styles can come together to form a loving, enduring relationship - proving that opposites not only attract but can also thrive.

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Finding a Therapist Who Truly Understands: The Power of Relatability in Therapy

By Satomi Ogata • February 1, 2025

At 17, one of my teachers told me I was dyslexic and that I needed to “work extra hard” to succeed. At 33, an educational psychologist officially diagnosed me with broad dyslexia (Reading Comprehension Impairment) and visual-spatial reasoning difficulties. However, the true turning point in my journey came at 37 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was a moment of clarity that reframed decades of self-doubt and burnout. Burnout and the Breaking Point The tipping point came when I experienced severe burnout at work. I’ve always taken immense pride in my career, pouring my passion into creating opportunities and fostering growth for others. As an HR professional working for one of the most purposeful organizations, I was determined to give my best. But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t shake the relentless feeling that I was falling short or that I wasn’t good enough.This internal battle slowly eroded my confidence until I found myself doubting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks. It felt like the harder I tried, the further behind I fell. The burnout, however, wasn’t just about work. It was the culmination of years of unprocessed emotions, cultural pressures, and the invisible toll of undiagnosed ADHD. For so long, I had been carrying an emotional and mental weight that I didn’t even realize was there. I was trying to meet impossible standards, juggling conflicting cultural expectations, and masking my struggles -including myself - would see how overwhelmed I truly was. Growing up as a Japanese woman, the cultural pressure to conform was ever-present. The phrase “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” (出る釘は打たれる) loomed large in my life, discouraging individuality and emphasizing the importance of fitting in. This cultural backdrop made navigating hidden disabilities like dyslexia, ADHD, and autism particularly isolating. In many Asian communities, neurodivergence is often misunderstood or seen as something to be “fixed.” Statements like “you just need to work harder” or dismissals of struggles as “bad parenting” are common and contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health. These deep-seated beliefs made seeking support feel daunting and, at times, even shameful. Meeting Mia: The Power of Relatability in Therapy In the depths of my burnout, I reached out to Dr. Glenn Graves, my former therapist in Singapore, who referred me to Mia Makino, a Japanese American therapist. From our very first session, I felt an immediate connection with Mia. She didn’t just listen; she truly understood. She recognized the cultural nuances of being Japanese and bicultural, as well as the complexities of navigating the duality between two distinct cultural frameworks. I did not expect how transformative this sense of relatability would be. Mia’s unique perspective allowed her to address not only the symptoms of my ADHD and burnout but also the deeply rooted cultural stigmas and self-doubt that has been holding me back for so long. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), she helped me unpack years of internalized shame and perfectionism - traits so often reinforced by societal expectations in Japan. Mia’s approach to therapy wasn’t just about the symptoms; it was about empowering me to embrace who I am. She helped me see that my ADHD and dyslexia were not weaknesses but parts of me that could be understood, managed, and even celebrated. Her guidance gave me permission to stop fighting so hard to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. Sharing My Story to Empower Others Seeking therapy and working with someone who truly understood both my neurodivergence and my cultural identity was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. It gave me the tools to heal, the courage to embrace my authentic self, and the clarity to redefine my path. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to seek support and break free from the stigma surrounding mental health and neurodivergence. Diagnoses like ADHD are not limitations; they are opportunities to better understand ourselves and to create lives that align with our strengths and needs. For anyone navigating similar challenges—whether cultural, neurodivergent, or both—know that you are not alone. The right support, whether through therapy, coaching, or community, can make a world of difference. And remember, the journey toward self-compassion begins with the courage to embrace who you are, unapologetically and wholeheartedly. A New Chapter: From Healing to Advocacy Thanks to Mia’s support, I’m now transitioning into a new chapter of my life. I’m designing training programs and workshops for HR professionals and leaders in Asia to help break the stigma surrounding neurodivergence. My mission is to create workplaces that are inclusive, supportive, and free from discrimination—environments where people can thrive regardless of their differences. I’m also pursuing certifications as an ADHD and executive coach to support individuals who may feel isolated or misunderstood. I want to be an advocate for those struggling in silence, helping them find their voice, their confidence, and their potential. For so long, I believed that being the “nail that sticks out” was a flaw. But now, I see it as a strength. Every challenge I’ve faced has brought me closer to understanding who I am. And in that understanding, I’ve found not only healing but also purpose—the opportunity to help others embrace their own journeys and create a world where the invisible becomes invincible. Satomi Ogata https://www.linkedin.com/in/satomi-beyondbias/

Interpersonal Relationships from the Perspective of Reiki

By Mariangel Gonzalez • January 28, 2025

In the journey of life, interpersonal relationships play a fundamental role. From a Reiki perspective, these connections are not just human encounters but profound opportunities for spiritual growth, energy exchange, and mutual healing. Universal Energy and Relationships Reiki is based on the idea that everything in the universe is connected through universal energy. Every relationship we form—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or partners—is influenced by the flow of this energy. When our energies are balanced and flow harmoniously, our interactions also tend to be more positive and enriching. However, when our energies are imbalanced, conflicts, misunderstandings, and tensions may arise. Reiki teaches us that by healing and balancing our internal energy, we can also improve our external relationships. The Importance of Self-Healing Working with Reiki begins with oneself. Before attempting to heal or improve a relationship, it is essential to look inward and ask: What aspects of my energy need attention? Am I projecting insecurities, fears, or resentments onto my relationships? Through self-healing, we can balance energy, foster self-love, and strengthen our ability to establish healthy boundaries. This creates a solid foundation for interacting with others from a place of integrity and authenticity. Healing Relationships Through Reiki Reiki offers tools to heal relationships on an energetic level: 1. Sending Energy to Relationships: Using the distance healing technique, practitioners can direct positive energy toward a specific relationship. This does not mean controlling or manipulating the situation but sending intentions of peace, harmony, and mutual understanding. 2. Energy Cleansing: Relationships can accumulate dense energy due to conflicts or past experiences. Reiki can help release these burdens, allowing for a fresh start. 3. Chakra balance: Each relationship may be associated with one or more energy centres (chakras). For instance, communication conflicts may relate to the throat chakra, while trust issues may link to the heart chakra. Working on these centres can unblock and restore harmony. Daily Practices to Foster Healthy Relationships In addition to specific Reiki techniques, we can incorporate habits into our daily lives to nurture our relationships: · Practicing Gratitude: Recognizing and appreciating the blessings each relationship brings, even in challenges. · Meditating for Empathy: Using guided Reiki meditations to develop a deeper understanding of others' emotions and perspectives. · Setting Clear Intentions: Before interacting with someone, we can set a positive intention, such as fostering peace or strengthening mutual understanding. Unconditional Love as a Guide One of the fundamental principles of Reiki is unconditional love. This concept invites us to accept others as they are, without judgment or attempts to change them. In relationships, this means offering support, respect, and understanding, even when facing differences. Reiki reminds us that every person we encounter is a reflection of ourselves. By honouring this connection, we can transform our relationships into sacred spaces of learning and evolution. Conclusion From a Reiki perspective, interpersonal relationships are more than mere interactions; they are an exchange of energy and an opportunity for healing and growth. By working on our internal energy, we can create a positive impact on our relationships and experience deeper, more harmonious, and meaningful connections. This inner work also extends outward, promoting collective healing and nurturing a greater sense of unconditional love and compassion in the world

Is Your Relationship Due for a Mindset Reset?

By Esther Oon-Bybjerg • January 28, 2025

Your partner forgets to text you back after a long day, and you think, "They don’t care about me." Or they casually mention plans with friends that don’t include you, and you wonder, "Am I not important to them anymore?" These passing negative thoughts may seem trivial, but they reflect deeper narratives we unconsciously construct about our partners and relationships. In relationships, the way we think about our partners and their actions matters deeply. As relationships evolve, we develop beliefs about our partners and the relationship. These beliefs shape how we feel, act and respond to them. As a couple therapist, I have witnessed how it is often not the events themselves that drive disconnection, but the interpretations and narratives we attach to them. Relationships get strained by negative thought patterns because these hidden beliefs about our partners and their actions silently erode connection and fuel resentment. However, a simple shift in mindset can improve the quality of your relationship. The Cycle of Negative Perception We often assume that our perceptions of reality are objective. However, our minds act as powerful filters, shaping how we interpret our partner's words and actions. For instance, if you believe, “They don’t care about me,” a forgotten text message might feel like proof of neglect. On the other hand, if you think, “They’re doing the best they can,” the same situation might seem like a genuine oversight which is understandable. These thoughts set the emotional tone for your relationship, influencing how you feel during moments of connection or tension. Small disappointments or unmet needs that go unaddressed can gradually shift your perspective, leading you to interpret interactions through a lens of frustration or resentment. This process can be driven by cognitive biases which are mental shortcuts that help us process information quickly, but they can also distort reality in ways that harm relationships. Here are some common thought patterns that I often see in couples: Confirmation bias Selectively focus on evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring anything that contradicts them. If you believe your partner is inconsiderate, you'll likely notice every instance of forgetfulness while overlooking their thoughtful gestures. Black-and-white thinking Seeing things as either all good or all bad, such as “They never listen to me” or “They’re always selfish.” This mindset prevents you from seeing the complexities in your partner’s behavior and stops you from appreciating the shades of gray in their actions. Personalization Interpreting your partner’s actions as a direct reflection of their feelings toward you. For example, when they’re late, you might think, “They don’t respect my time,” instead of considering that they could be dealing with an unexpected situation. Mind reading Assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or intentions without asking or clarifying. If they don’t initiate physical affection, you may think, “They’re not attracted to me anymore,” when they may simply be tired or dealing with stress. Catastrophizing Jumping to the worst possible conclusion, such as thinking, “This argument means we’re heading for a breakup,” instead of seeing it as a normal part of any relationship. Negative filtering Focusing only on your partner’s flaws while disregarding their positive qualities. For example, after a few instances of your partner being late, you may start seeing them as unreliable, ignoring all the times they’ve been on time. Ways to Reset Your Mindset Changing entrenched thought patterns isn't about ignoring or avoiding important issues. It's about cultivating a more mindful and intentional approach to your relationship. Negative thoughts can quickly escalate emotions, leading to impulsive reactions that hurt the relationship. A mindset reset helps you assess the situation more objectively respond more thoughtfully. Here are some strategies to break free from the negative thought patterns. Cultivate gratitude Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consciously seek out moments of kindness, no matter how small. Appreciate the thoughtful gestures your partner makes. Recognizing these efforts reinforces the positive in your relationship, helping you see your partner in a more favorable light. Challenge your assumptions The next time a negative thought arises, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself, "Is there another way to interpret this?" Instead of defaulting to "They’re not prioritizing me," try reframing it as "They’re just overwhelmed with deadlines right now." This shift in perspective can defuse unnecessary tension and foster a deeper understanding between you and your partner. Seek clarification, not conclusions Instead of jumping to conclusions based on a fleeting moment, engage in conversation. For example, say, “I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Would you like to talk about it? Asking questions shows genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and prevents misunderstandings. Embrace a growth mindset See challenges as opportunities for growth, not signs of incompatibility. When conflicts arise, view them as chances to improve your communication and problem-solving skills together. A growth mindset allows you to navigate difficulties as a team, strengthening your bond and building mutual support. Assume positive intent Start from a place of trust. Believe your partner cares about you and is doing their best. Even when things don’t go perfectly, choosing to assume positive intent softens the impact of misunderstandings. This mindset fosters patience, understanding, and deeper trust between you and your partner. When to seek help Sometimes, deeply ingrained thought patterns are challenging to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the root causes of these patterns, understand how they affect your relationship, and learn tools to address them. By recognizing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns, we can create space for mutual empathy, understanding, and respect. These changes don’t happen overnight, but with patience and intentionality, even small mindset shifts can lead to profound transformations.