Why ending a toxic relationship is easier said than done

Esther Oon-Bybjerg

It’s a universally known adage that relationships are hard work, conflicts are normal and rough patches are par for the course. While it is true every relationship goes through highs and lows, these platitudes can cause one to turn a blind eye to red flags in their love life, particularly those indicative of a toxic relationship.

In recent years, I often encounter clients who, despite feeling anguished, lonely, undervalued in their relationships, choose to stay with their abusive or neglectful partner. Many have also turned away from unwavering support and well-intended advice from caring friends and family who tell them that they deserve better and that they should just get out of the relationship. It is however easier said than done for those who find themselves caught in such a dilemma.

What does a toxic relationship look like?

Being in a toxic relationship is sometimes hard to recognise since the abuse can be slow and subtle in nature (King, 2018). It is never about an isolated episode, but the cumulative effect of persistent criticism, contempt, intimidation, manipulation and other forms of abuse. Such relationships are mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically damaging and draining. Those in a toxic relationship tend to find themselves constantly walking on eggshells for fear of triggering their partner, making excuses to justify the abusive partner’s behaviours, frequently taking the fall or apologising for things that are not their fault, withdrawing socially and so on. Such relationship stress often gives rise to chronic feelings such as a sense of inadequacy, low self-esteem and worth, shame, guilt, anxiety, confusion, helplessness.

So why is it that such pain, exhaustion, frustration and anguish are not enough to make one decide to cut the cord and move on? What is it about toxic relationships that makes them difficult, or even seemingly impossible to end?

Apart from the obvious practical reasons such as financial and/or parenting considerations, there are also some deeper psychological factors that explain why leaving is easier said than done.

1. Low self esteem

Research has shown that people with low self-esteem are more susceptible to toxic relationships because of their core beliefs and perception about themselves. If one believes that they are not good or worthy enough, they are more likely to have lower expectations and tend to get involved with a partner who perpetuates their beliefs. In fact, those who have low self-worth are more likely to stay in a toxic relationship because they believe that they cannot do any better (Luciano & Orth, 2017). They also tend to display more people-pleasing tendencies and are more hesitant to stand up for themselves or set boundaries when they are treated badly. It is also important to note that the more they stay in a toxic relationship, the further their self-esteem erodes, creating a vicious cycle, making it increasingly difficult to leave.

2. Addicted to the lure of intermittent reinforcement

In a toxic relationship, the abused is regularly subjected to consistent bouts of cruel, callous, and abusive treatment with a few occasional and unpredictable displays of extreme affection and rewards. These are known as intermittent reinforcement tactics that the abusive partner uses to manipulate or control, and can include sending apology notes and flowers after a silent treatment or giving extravagant gifts with promises to change after a series of brutal verbal attacks.

Intermittent reinforcement tactics keep people stuck and unable to break free because they are linked to the reward circuits of the brain that are associated with compulsions (Carnes & Phillips, 2019). Research has shown that unpredictable relationships are particularly dopamine-inducing. Intermittent reinforcement used the abusive partner feeds into our dopamine system because dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on an unpredictable schedule, rather than predictably. Their abusive partner’s unreliability and inconsistency make them crave for the rewards, often doing everything they can to get it in order to get back to the comfort of the “honeymoon phase” of the cycle.

When one is living the abuse cycle, it is exceptionally hard to break out of it. People often fall into the trap of seeing the abuser’s sporadic acts of empathy and affection as positive traits, causing them to find excuses to justify the partner’s abuse or neglect. They also derive hope from these random “positive” acts, believing that their relationships will get better, and they get sucked back in until another cycle of abuse hits again.

3. Fear of being single

The fear of being single is another factor that makes one rather tolerate or stay in a toxic relationship than to be single. Researchers (Spielmann et al., 2013) discovered that during relationship initiation and maintenance, those who have anxieties about being single may prioritize relationship status above relationship quality, settling for less and remaining in relationships that are less satisfying. In fact, the fear of being single can be so overwhelming that one would rather be with a “wrong somebody” than be with nobody.

4.Sunk Cost effect

Another reason that makes it compelling for people to stay in unhappy relationships is the sunk cost fallacy. Studies have shown that people are more likely to stay in a relationship in which they have invested time, money and effort. This underlines the sunk cost effect which “occurs when a prior investment in one option leads to a continuous investment in that option, despite it not being the best decision." (Rego et al., 2018). This suggests that people stay in unsatisfying relationships despite all their pain and suffering because they don’t want to feel their effort, time or money go to waste.

5. Pro-sociality inclination

The decision to end a romantic relationship, even an unhealthy one, can have a life-changing impact on the partner as well as the self. Recent research has shed light on how altruism is one of the considerations that can hamper one’s decision to leave their abusive partner. In other words, when people make decisions that impact others, they take those others’ feelings and perspectives into consideration.

The research by Impett & Spielmann (2018) which studied 1,800 people showed that when one is deciding whether to end a relationship or not, they consider not only their own desires, but also how much they think their partner wants and needs the relationship to continue. In fact, the more dependent people believed their partner was on the relationship, the less likely they were to initiate their breakup. This offers an explanation as to why it is not as straightforward to end the toxic relationship as much as they know it is the right thing to do.

What can be done?

The recognition and acknowledgement of a toxic relationship and the reasons that keep one stuck in it is just the first step to finding a resolution to the predicament. Aptly put by Carolyn Gamble, motivational speaker and expert on toxic relationships, “Love should never cost you your peace, It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness. If there’s more negative in your situation than positive, something has to change.”

Thankfully, taking action does not have to be a solo task. The next step could involve seeking help from relationship-trained therapists to help one explore their innermost fears and ambivalence; open their mind to new perspectives, enable them to regain self esteem and empower them to access choices as well as to make decisions that are aligned with their life values.

References

Carnes, P., & Phillips, B. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

Joel, S., Impett, E. A., Spielmann, S. S., & MacDonald, G. (2018). How interdependent are stay/leave decisions? On staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(5), 805–824.

King, J. (2018). Too Good to go, Too Bad to Stay: Five Steps to Finding Freedom From a Toxic Relationship. Morgan James Publishing.

Luciano, E. C., & Orth, U. (2017). Transitions in romantic relationships and development of self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112,307-328

Rego, S., Arantes, J. & Magalhães, P. (2018) Is there a sunk cost effect in committed relationships?. Curr Psychol 37, 508–519

Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073.

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Finding a Therapist Who Truly Understands: The Power of Relatability in Therapy

By Satomi Ogata • February 1, 2025

At 17, one of my teachers told me I was dyslexic and that I needed to “work extra hard” to succeed. At 33, an educational psychologist officially diagnosed me with broad dyslexia (Reading Comprehension Impairment) and visual-spatial reasoning difficulties. However, the true turning point in my journey came at 37 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was a moment of clarity that reframed decades of self-doubt and burnout. Burnout and the Breaking Point The tipping point came when I experienced severe burnout at work. I’ve always taken immense pride in my career, pouring my passion into creating opportunities and fostering growth for others. As an HR professional working for one of the most purposeful organizations, I was determined to give my best. But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t shake the relentless feeling that I was falling short or that I wasn’t good enough.This internal battle slowly eroded my confidence until I found myself doubting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks. It felt like the harder I tried, the further behind I fell. The burnout, however, wasn’t just about work. It was the culmination of years of unprocessed emotions, cultural pressures, and the invisible toll of undiagnosed ADHD. For so long, I had been carrying an emotional and mental weight that I didn’t even realize was there. I was trying to meet impossible standards, juggling conflicting cultural expectations, and masking my struggles -including myself - would see how overwhelmed I truly was. Growing up as a Japanese woman, the cultural pressure to conform was ever-present. The phrase “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” (出る釘は打たれる) loomed large in my life, discouraging individuality and emphasizing the importance of fitting in. This cultural backdrop made navigating hidden disabilities like dyslexia, ADHD, and autism particularly isolating. In many Asian communities, neurodivergence is often misunderstood or seen as something to be “fixed.” Statements like “you just need to work harder” or dismissals of struggles as “bad parenting” are common and contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health. These deep-seated beliefs made seeking support feel daunting and, at times, even shameful. Meeting Mia: The Power of Relatability in Therapy In the depths of my burnout, I reached out to Dr. Glenn Graves, my former therapist in Singapore, who referred me to Mia Makino, a Japanese American therapist. From our very first session, I felt an immediate connection with Mia. She didn’t just listen; she truly understood. She recognized the cultural nuances of being Japanese and bicultural, as well as the complexities of navigating the duality between two distinct cultural frameworks. I did not expect how transformative this sense of relatability would be. Mia’s unique perspective allowed her to address not only the symptoms of my ADHD and burnout but also the deeply rooted cultural stigmas and self-doubt that has been holding me back for so long. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), she helped me unpack years of internalized shame and perfectionism - traits so often reinforced by societal expectations in Japan. Mia’s approach to therapy wasn’t just about the symptoms; it was about empowering me to embrace who I am. She helped me see that my ADHD and dyslexia were not weaknesses but parts of me that could be understood, managed, and even celebrated. Her guidance gave me permission to stop fighting so hard to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. Sharing My Story to Empower Others Seeking therapy and working with someone who truly understood both my neurodivergence and my cultural identity was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. It gave me the tools to heal, the courage to embrace my authentic self, and the clarity to redefine my path. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to seek support and break free from the stigma surrounding mental health and neurodivergence. Diagnoses like ADHD are not limitations; they are opportunities to better understand ourselves and to create lives that align with our strengths and needs. For anyone navigating similar challenges—whether cultural, neurodivergent, or both—know that you are not alone. The right support, whether through therapy, coaching, or community, can make a world of difference. And remember, the journey toward self-compassion begins with the courage to embrace who you are, unapologetically and wholeheartedly. A New Chapter: From Healing to Advocacy Thanks to Mia’s support, I’m now transitioning into a new chapter of my life. I’m designing training programs and workshops for HR professionals and leaders in Asia to help break the stigma surrounding neurodivergence. My mission is to create workplaces that are inclusive, supportive, and free from discrimination—environments where people can thrive regardless of their differences. I’m also pursuing certifications as an ADHD and executive coach to support individuals who may feel isolated or misunderstood. I want to be an advocate for those struggling in silence, helping them find their voice, their confidence, and their potential. For so long, I believed that being the “nail that sticks out” was a flaw. But now, I see it as a strength. Every challenge I’ve faced has brought me closer to understanding who I am. And in that understanding, I’ve found not only healing but also purpose—the opportunity to help others embrace their own journeys and create a world where the invisible becomes invincible. Satomi Ogata https://www.linkedin.com/in/satomi-beyondbias/

Interpersonal Relationships from the Perspective of Reiki

By Mariangel Gonzalez • January 28, 2025

In the journey of life, interpersonal relationships play a fundamental role. From a Reiki perspective, these connections are not just human encounters but profound opportunities for spiritual growth, energy exchange, and mutual healing. Universal Energy and Relationships Reiki is based on the idea that everything in the universe is connected through universal energy. Every relationship we form—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or partners—is influenced by the flow of this energy. When our energies are balanced and flow harmoniously, our interactions also tend to be more positive and enriching. However, when our energies are imbalanced, conflicts, misunderstandings, and tensions may arise. Reiki teaches us that by healing and balancing our internal energy, we can also improve our external relationships. The Importance of Self-Healing Working with Reiki begins with oneself. Before attempting to heal or improve a relationship, it is essential to look inward and ask: What aspects of my energy need attention? Am I projecting insecurities, fears, or resentments onto my relationships? Through self-healing, we can balance energy, foster self-love, and strengthen our ability to establish healthy boundaries. This creates a solid foundation for interacting with others from a place of integrity and authenticity. Healing Relationships Through Reiki Reiki offers tools to heal relationships on an energetic level: 1. Sending Energy to Relationships: Using the distance healing technique, practitioners can direct positive energy toward a specific relationship. This does not mean controlling or manipulating the situation but sending intentions of peace, harmony, and mutual understanding. 2. Energy Cleansing: Relationships can accumulate dense energy due to conflicts or past experiences. Reiki can help release these burdens, allowing for a fresh start. 3. Chakra balance: Each relationship may be associated with one or more energy centres (chakras). For instance, communication conflicts may relate to the throat chakra, while trust issues may link to the heart chakra. Working on these centres can unblock and restore harmony. Daily Practices to Foster Healthy Relationships In addition to specific Reiki techniques, we can incorporate habits into our daily lives to nurture our relationships: · Practicing Gratitude: Recognizing and appreciating the blessings each relationship brings, even in challenges. · Meditating for Empathy: Using guided Reiki meditations to develop a deeper understanding of others' emotions and perspectives. · Setting Clear Intentions: Before interacting with someone, we can set a positive intention, such as fostering peace or strengthening mutual understanding. Unconditional Love as a Guide One of the fundamental principles of Reiki is unconditional love. This concept invites us to accept others as they are, without judgment or attempts to change them. In relationships, this means offering support, respect, and understanding, even when facing differences. Reiki reminds us that every person we encounter is a reflection of ourselves. By honouring this connection, we can transform our relationships into sacred spaces of learning and evolution. Conclusion From a Reiki perspective, interpersonal relationships are more than mere interactions; they are an exchange of energy and an opportunity for healing and growth. By working on our internal energy, we can create a positive impact on our relationships and experience deeper, more harmonious, and meaningful connections. This inner work also extends outward, promoting collective healing and nurturing a greater sense of unconditional love and compassion in the world

Is Your Relationship Due for a Mindset Reset?

By Esther Oon-Bybjerg • January 28, 2025

Your partner forgets to text you back after a long day, and you think, "They don’t care about me." Or they casually mention plans with friends that don’t include you, and you wonder, "Am I not important to them anymore?" These passing negative thoughts may seem trivial, but they reflect deeper narratives we unconsciously construct about our partners and relationships. In relationships, the way we think about our partners and their actions matters deeply. As relationships evolve, we develop beliefs about our partners and the relationship. These beliefs shape how we feel, act and respond to them. As a couple therapist, I have witnessed how it is often not the events themselves that drive disconnection, but the interpretations and narratives we attach to them. Relationships get strained by negative thought patterns because these hidden beliefs about our partners and their actions silently erode connection and fuel resentment. However, a simple shift in mindset can improve the quality of your relationship. The Cycle of Negative Perception We often assume that our perceptions of reality are objective. However, our minds act as powerful filters, shaping how we interpret our partner's words and actions. For instance, if you believe, “They don’t care about me,” a forgotten text message might feel like proof of neglect. On the other hand, if you think, “They’re doing the best they can,” the same situation might seem like a genuine oversight which is understandable. These thoughts set the emotional tone for your relationship, influencing how you feel during moments of connection or tension. Small disappointments or unmet needs that go unaddressed can gradually shift your perspective, leading you to interpret interactions through a lens of frustration or resentment. This process can be driven by cognitive biases which are mental shortcuts that help us process information quickly, but they can also distort reality in ways that harm relationships. Here are some common thought patterns that I often see in couples: Confirmation bias Selectively focus on evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring anything that contradicts them. If you believe your partner is inconsiderate, you'll likely notice every instance of forgetfulness while overlooking their thoughtful gestures. Black-and-white thinking Seeing things as either all good or all bad, such as “They never listen to me” or “They’re always selfish.” This mindset prevents you from seeing the complexities in your partner’s behavior and stops you from appreciating the shades of gray in their actions. Personalization Interpreting your partner’s actions as a direct reflection of their feelings toward you. For example, when they’re late, you might think, “They don’t respect my time,” instead of considering that they could be dealing with an unexpected situation. Mind reading Assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or intentions without asking or clarifying. If they don’t initiate physical affection, you may think, “They’re not attracted to me anymore,” when they may simply be tired or dealing with stress. Catastrophizing Jumping to the worst possible conclusion, such as thinking, “This argument means we’re heading for a breakup,” instead of seeing it as a normal part of any relationship. Negative filtering Focusing only on your partner’s flaws while disregarding their positive qualities. For example, after a few instances of your partner being late, you may start seeing them as unreliable, ignoring all the times they’ve been on time. Ways to Reset Your Mindset Changing entrenched thought patterns isn't about ignoring or avoiding important issues. It's about cultivating a more mindful and intentional approach to your relationship. Negative thoughts can quickly escalate emotions, leading to impulsive reactions that hurt the relationship. A mindset reset helps you assess the situation more objectively respond more thoughtfully. Here are some strategies to break free from the negative thought patterns. Cultivate gratitude Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consciously seek out moments of kindness, no matter how small. Appreciate the thoughtful gestures your partner makes. Recognizing these efforts reinforces the positive in your relationship, helping you see your partner in a more favorable light. Challenge your assumptions The next time a negative thought arises, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself, "Is there another way to interpret this?" Instead of defaulting to "They’re not prioritizing me," try reframing it as "They’re just overwhelmed with deadlines right now." This shift in perspective can defuse unnecessary tension and foster a deeper understanding between you and your partner. Seek clarification, not conclusions Instead of jumping to conclusions based on a fleeting moment, engage in conversation. For example, say, “I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Would you like to talk about it? Asking questions shows genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and prevents misunderstandings. Embrace a growth mindset See challenges as opportunities for growth, not signs of incompatibility. When conflicts arise, view them as chances to improve your communication and problem-solving skills together. A growth mindset allows you to navigate difficulties as a team, strengthening your bond and building mutual support. Assume positive intent Start from a place of trust. Believe your partner cares about you and is doing their best. Even when things don’t go perfectly, choosing to assume positive intent softens the impact of misunderstandings. This mindset fosters patience, understanding, and deeper trust between you and your partner. When to seek help Sometimes, deeply ingrained thought patterns are challenging to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the root causes of these patterns, understand how they affect your relationship, and learn tools to address them. By recognizing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns, we can create space for mutual empathy, understanding, and respect. These changes don’t happen overnight, but with patience and intentionality, even small mindset shifts can lead to profound transformations.