The Importance of Fathers: Why You Should Be Involved

Dr. Glenn Graves, PhD

There is no shortage of statistics showing how important the role of father's is when it comes to raising happy and healthy children. But it seems that often, only mothers and their grown up kids are reading these articles. Dads! Wake Up! Read the good news about you.

In my counselling practice, I have been working with adults for years and with the passing years and my constant exploration with these adults, we invariably find ourselves sitting and talking to a child; their inner child, or we are revisiting the childhood in some way or another. It’s uncanny how many adults are stuck in some part of their childhood and when this happens, invariably a very influential parent is standing nearby in that scene or memory. They are there, either building up or tearing down the construct of self for that child. This can often get passed on in the form of an internal dialogue.

Internal dialogues can be positive or negative: judging, accessing, criticisms, encouragement, disapproval, rejecting and many more. They all have an impact.

This is why I am often finding myself going back to childhood with my clients. It's there, where they find many of the internal dialogues that are now dictating their actions.

In my couple's work, I often cite a well-known author John Gottman. He is world famous for his research on couples. However in recent months even Mr. Gottman and his wife are moving more towards work that is focused on parenting and the child experience. They have shifted because their own studies have highlighted the importance the parent's role plays in the child's healthy development and future relationships. Surprisingly their studies show that a father's role can be even more vital than at mothers in certain areas of development. No offense, Moms.

John and Julie Gottmans' studies have even gone so far as to shown that men and women are less likely to go to war when they have an involved father in their upbringing. "Fathers are probably the most important predictors of emotional development for sons and daughters," says Gottman, whose own research by the Bringing Baby Home program shows that when dads act as an emotion coach, by valuing and encouraging emotions, children are physically healthier, have fewer colds and illnesses, higher self-esteem and a strong sense of social connection. When dads communicate with their children about the emotions they are experiencing, behavioural problems decrease. Since all emotions have a purpose, involved fathers attending to emotions of their children, help the child to learn how to set boundaries to manage their experiences as well as how to respect the feelings of others which has shown to help increase mental, physical and social well-being.

Children with dads who are critical or dismissing of emotions are more likely to do poorly in school, fight more with friends and have poor health.

It's also known that children living in father absent homes are more likely to have emotional and behavioural problems, be suspended from school or drop out, be victims of child abuse or neglect, use drugs and commit suicide when in their teens. I even had a client recently say "No Dad is better than a bad Dad". I agree in part. Being critical and dismissive can cause more damage than not being there. But being present and positively participating, whether you have fathering skills or not, goes a long way to helping a child develop.

Parenting is an art like golf or speed texting on a BB while sipping a pint and negotiating mega deals. The craft can be honed only through more exposure to the experience. It can't just be learned from watching a movie. Although I do recommend It's a Wonderful Life and Pursuit of Happyness.

Even golfers go to gurus to find out how to enter Zen on the 18th hole. So there is nothing wrong with seeking guidance from experts when it comes to the Do's and Don'ts in fathering.

Here are just a few to start with and you will probably recognize that many of them are common sense but rely on an intimate knowledge of the child in order to work. James Dobson in his book, How to Build Confidence In Your Child writes, "The art of good parenting begins with the fundamental skill of seeing through the eyes of the child, of sharing the child's view of reality, feelings and hopes."

Here are some common sense Do's and Don'ts: Try to picture each scenario through the eyes of your child.

Don't ask a question, demand an answer then talk before they have a chance to respond.
"Should we have eggs for breakfast? I think it would be good for you. Let's have cereal for breakfast."
Don't attempt to scold them for one thing when you are angry about something else.
"It's your fault I missed my important phone call. If you hadn't asked me that question I would have been paying attention."
Don't miss their appeals for a connection or affection.
”Daddy, can I have a hug?” “Not right now. Daddy's reading.”
Don't curse in anger. It's just scary and they miss the point.
Self explanatory.
Don't look elsewhere when they are trying to speak to you.
"Daddy, I had a question." "Yes dear." "Daddy." "Yes" ". I had a question." Yes dear, go ahead." "Daddy, can you look at me for a minute?"
Do as you say and as you do.
"Daddy, you're here! " "I said I would make it for your school play. So I re-arranged my schedule."
Do spend time creating and playing with them.
"Let me show you a game I used to play with my father."
Do use empathetic listening with them; repeating what you understand about their expressed feelings.
"When you complained about Daddy's job does that mean you miss me and want me to come home earlier?"
Do ask open ended questions when wanting to understand them better.
"How did that make you feel when you heard Daddy shouting earlier?"
Do express love and affection.
"Can I have a hug? I missed you."

We are models to our children. They learn through our example. They watch how we cope with problems and handle depression and handle infractions with others.

In psychology this is known simply as modelling. Children are the products of their subjective life experiences and these are in no small part comprised of what they observe in their parents.

We all know the declaration of not wanting to turn out like our parents, only to do just that. This means that a boy will be learning how to treat women in relationships in part, by his observation of how his father treats his mother: the way you talk to her and address her concerns and show interest in her needs.

The same man's daughter is also learning what to expect in her own relationships with men in the future. If its dysfunctional there is a likelihood that she can grown familiar with this and even find the dysfunction more comfortable, since she has already learned from her mother, and father, how to navigate in that environment.

Pay attention to the modelling that you are doing in all aspects of your role as father. It's a privilege to be a father, and I assure you that the privilege will be all yours when you are watching your young ones walk gracefully and happily into their own adult lives.

About the Author: Dr. Glenn Graves is an American psychologist who has lived and worked in Asia since 2004. The founder and director of Counseling Perspective, Glenn has nearly two decades of experience in providing counselling support to local and expatriate individuals, couples, and families in Singapore. His specialities include child counselling and trauma recovery. Read Full Bio >

< Older Post

Newer Post >

Finding a Therapist Who Truly Understands: The Power of Relatability in Therapy

By Satomi Ogata • February 1, 2025

At 17, one of my teachers told me I was dyslexic and that I needed to “work extra hard” to succeed. At 33, an educational psychologist officially diagnosed me with broad dyslexia (Reading Comprehension Impairment) and visual-spatial reasoning difficulties. However, the true turning point in my journey came at 37 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was a moment of clarity that reframed decades of self-doubt and burnout. Burnout and the Breaking Point The tipping point came when I experienced severe burnout at work. I’ve always taken immense pride in my career, pouring my passion into creating opportunities and fostering growth for others. As an HR professional working for one of the most purposeful organizations, I was determined to give my best. But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t shake the relentless feeling that I was falling short or that I wasn’t good enough.This internal battle slowly eroded my confidence until I found myself doubting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks. It felt like the harder I tried, the further behind I fell. The burnout, however, wasn’t just about work. It was the culmination of years of unprocessed emotions, cultural pressures, and the invisible toll of undiagnosed ADHD. For so long, I had been carrying an emotional and mental weight that I didn’t even realize was there. I was trying to meet impossible standards, juggling conflicting cultural expectations, and masking my struggles -including myself - would see how overwhelmed I truly was. Growing up as a Japanese woman, the cultural pressure to conform was ever-present. The phrase “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” (出る釘は打たれる) loomed large in my life, discouraging individuality and emphasizing the importance of fitting in. This cultural backdrop made navigating hidden disabilities like dyslexia, ADHD, and autism particularly isolating. In many Asian communities, neurodivergence is often misunderstood or seen as something to be “fixed.” Statements like “you just need to work harder” or dismissals of struggles as “bad parenting” are common and contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health. These deep-seated beliefs made seeking support feel daunting and, at times, even shameful. Meeting Mia: The Power of Relatability in Therapy In the depths of my burnout, I reached out to Dr. Glenn Graves, my former therapist in Singapore, who referred me to Mia Makino, a Japanese American therapist. From our very first session, I felt an immediate connection with Mia. She didn’t just listen; she truly understood. She recognized the cultural nuances of being Japanese and bicultural, as well as the complexities of navigating the duality between two distinct cultural frameworks. I did not expect how transformative this sense of relatability would be. Mia’s unique perspective allowed her to address not only the symptoms of my ADHD and burnout but also the deeply rooted cultural stigmas and self-doubt that has been holding me back for so long. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), she helped me unpack years of internalized shame and perfectionism - traits so often reinforced by societal expectations in Japan. Mia’s approach to therapy wasn’t just about the symptoms; it was about empowering me to embrace who I am. She helped me see that my ADHD and dyslexia were not weaknesses but parts of me that could be understood, managed, and even celebrated. Her guidance gave me permission to stop fighting so hard to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. Sharing My Story to Empower Others Seeking therapy and working with someone who truly understood both my neurodivergence and my cultural identity was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. It gave me the tools to heal, the courage to embrace my authentic self, and the clarity to redefine my path. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to seek support and break free from the stigma surrounding mental health and neurodivergence. Diagnoses like ADHD are not limitations; they are opportunities to better understand ourselves and to create lives that align with our strengths and needs. For anyone navigating similar challenges—whether cultural, neurodivergent, or both—know that you are not alone. The right support, whether through therapy, coaching, or community, can make a world of difference. And remember, the journey toward self-compassion begins with the courage to embrace who you are, unapologetically and wholeheartedly. A New Chapter: From Healing to Advocacy Thanks to Mia’s support, I’m now transitioning into a new chapter of my life. I’m designing training programs and workshops for HR professionals and leaders in Asia to help break the stigma surrounding neurodivergence. My mission is to create workplaces that are inclusive, supportive, and free from discrimination—environments where people can thrive regardless of their differences. I’m also pursuing certifications as an ADHD and executive coach to support individuals who may feel isolated or misunderstood. I want to be an advocate for those struggling in silence, helping them find their voice, their confidence, and their potential. For so long, I believed that being the “nail that sticks out” was a flaw. But now, I see it as a strength. Every challenge I’ve faced has brought me closer to understanding who I am. And in that understanding, I’ve found not only healing but also purpose—the opportunity to help others embrace their own journeys and create a world where the invisible becomes invincible. Satomi Ogata https://www.linkedin.com/in/satomi-beyondbias/

Interpersonal Relationships from the Perspective of Reiki

By Mariangel Gonzalez • January 28, 2025

In the journey of life, interpersonal relationships play a fundamental role. From a Reiki perspective, these connections are not just human encounters but profound opportunities for spiritual growth, energy exchange, and mutual healing. Universal Energy and Relationships Reiki is based on the idea that everything in the universe is connected through universal energy. Every relationship we form—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or partners—is influenced by the flow of this energy. When our energies are balanced and flow harmoniously, our interactions also tend to be more positive and enriching. However, when our energies are imbalanced, conflicts, misunderstandings, and tensions may arise. Reiki teaches us that by healing and balancing our internal energy, we can also improve our external relationships. The Importance of Self-Healing Working with Reiki begins with oneself. Before attempting to heal or improve a relationship, it is essential to look inward and ask: What aspects of my energy need attention? Am I projecting insecurities, fears, or resentments onto my relationships? Through self-healing, we can balance energy, foster self-love, and strengthen our ability to establish healthy boundaries. This creates a solid foundation for interacting with others from a place of integrity and authenticity. Healing Relationships Through Reiki Reiki offers tools to heal relationships on an energetic level: 1. Sending Energy to Relationships: Using the distance healing technique, practitioners can direct positive energy toward a specific relationship. This does not mean controlling or manipulating the situation but sending intentions of peace, harmony, and mutual understanding. 2. Energy Cleansing: Relationships can accumulate dense energy due to conflicts or past experiences. Reiki can help release these burdens, allowing for a fresh start. 3. Chakra balance: Each relationship may be associated with one or more energy centres (chakras). For instance, communication conflicts may relate to the throat chakra, while trust issues may link to the heart chakra. Working on these centres can unblock and restore harmony. Daily Practices to Foster Healthy Relationships In addition to specific Reiki techniques, we can incorporate habits into our daily lives to nurture our relationships: · Practicing Gratitude: Recognizing and appreciating the blessings each relationship brings, even in challenges. · Meditating for Empathy: Using guided Reiki meditations to develop a deeper understanding of others' emotions and perspectives. · Setting Clear Intentions: Before interacting with someone, we can set a positive intention, such as fostering peace or strengthening mutual understanding. Unconditional Love as a Guide One of the fundamental principles of Reiki is unconditional love. This concept invites us to accept others as they are, without judgment or attempts to change them. In relationships, this means offering support, respect, and understanding, even when facing differences. Reiki reminds us that every person we encounter is a reflection of ourselves. By honouring this connection, we can transform our relationships into sacred spaces of learning and evolution. Conclusion From a Reiki perspective, interpersonal relationships are more than mere interactions; they are an exchange of energy and an opportunity for healing and growth. By working on our internal energy, we can create a positive impact on our relationships and experience deeper, more harmonious, and meaningful connections. This inner work also extends outward, promoting collective healing and nurturing a greater sense of unconditional love and compassion in the world

Is Your Relationship Due for a Mindset Reset?

By Esther Oon-Bybjerg • January 28, 2025

Your partner forgets to text you back after a long day, and you think, "They don’t care about me." Or they casually mention plans with friends that don’t include you, and you wonder, "Am I not important to them anymore?" These passing negative thoughts may seem trivial, but they reflect deeper narratives we unconsciously construct about our partners and relationships. In relationships, the way we think about our partners and their actions matters deeply. As relationships evolve, we develop beliefs about our partners and the relationship. These beliefs shape how we feel, act and respond to them. As a couple therapist, I have witnessed how it is often not the events themselves that drive disconnection, but the interpretations and narratives we attach to them. Relationships get strained by negative thought patterns because these hidden beliefs about our partners and their actions silently erode connection and fuel resentment. However, a simple shift in mindset can improve the quality of your relationship. The Cycle of Negative Perception We often assume that our perceptions of reality are objective. However, our minds act as powerful filters, shaping how we interpret our partner's words and actions. For instance, if you believe, “They don’t care about me,” a forgotten text message might feel like proof of neglect. On the other hand, if you think, “They’re doing the best they can,” the same situation might seem like a genuine oversight which is understandable. These thoughts set the emotional tone for your relationship, influencing how you feel during moments of connection or tension. Small disappointments or unmet needs that go unaddressed can gradually shift your perspective, leading you to interpret interactions through a lens of frustration or resentment. This process can be driven by cognitive biases which are mental shortcuts that help us process information quickly, but they can also distort reality in ways that harm relationships. Here are some common thought patterns that I often see in couples: Confirmation bias Selectively focus on evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring anything that contradicts them. If you believe your partner is inconsiderate, you'll likely notice every instance of forgetfulness while overlooking their thoughtful gestures. Black-and-white thinking Seeing things as either all good or all bad, such as “They never listen to me” or “They’re always selfish.” This mindset prevents you from seeing the complexities in your partner’s behavior and stops you from appreciating the shades of gray in their actions. Personalization Interpreting your partner’s actions as a direct reflection of their feelings toward you. For example, when they’re late, you might think, “They don’t respect my time,” instead of considering that they could be dealing with an unexpected situation. Mind reading Assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or intentions without asking or clarifying. If they don’t initiate physical affection, you may think, “They’re not attracted to me anymore,” when they may simply be tired or dealing with stress. Catastrophizing Jumping to the worst possible conclusion, such as thinking, “This argument means we’re heading for a breakup,” instead of seeing it as a normal part of any relationship. Negative filtering Focusing only on your partner’s flaws while disregarding their positive qualities. For example, after a few instances of your partner being late, you may start seeing them as unreliable, ignoring all the times they’ve been on time. Ways to Reset Your Mindset Changing entrenched thought patterns isn't about ignoring or avoiding important issues. It's about cultivating a more mindful and intentional approach to your relationship. Negative thoughts can quickly escalate emotions, leading to impulsive reactions that hurt the relationship. A mindset reset helps you assess the situation more objectively respond more thoughtfully. Here are some strategies to break free from the negative thought patterns. Cultivate gratitude Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consciously seek out moments of kindness, no matter how small. Appreciate the thoughtful gestures your partner makes. Recognizing these efforts reinforces the positive in your relationship, helping you see your partner in a more favorable light. Challenge your assumptions The next time a negative thought arises, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself, "Is there another way to interpret this?" Instead of defaulting to "They’re not prioritizing me," try reframing it as "They’re just overwhelmed with deadlines right now." This shift in perspective can defuse unnecessary tension and foster a deeper understanding between you and your partner. Seek clarification, not conclusions Instead of jumping to conclusions based on a fleeting moment, engage in conversation. For example, say, “I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Would you like to talk about it? Asking questions shows genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and prevents misunderstandings. Embrace a growth mindset See challenges as opportunities for growth, not signs of incompatibility. When conflicts arise, view them as chances to improve your communication and problem-solving skills together. A growth mindset allows you to navigate difficulties as a team, strengthening your bond and building mutual support. Assume positive intent Start from a place of trust. Believe your partner cares about you and is doing their best. Even when things don’t go perfectly, choosing to assume positive intent softens the impact of misunderstandings. This mindset fosters patience, understanding, and deeper trust between you and your partner. When to seek help Sometimes, deeply ingrained thought patterns are challenging to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the root causes of these patterns, understand how they affect your relationship, and learn tools to address them. By recognizing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns, we can create space for mutual empathy, understanding, and respect. These changes don’t happen overnight, but with patience and intentionality, even small mindset shifts can lead to profound transformations.