How to Survive Separation and Divorce

Dr. Glenn Graves, PhD

A great percentage of my work as a counsellor is with women who are going through the early or late stages of separation from their long-time partner. Whether these women are Asian or Western, the predicament can be extremely challenging when they are trying to balance the practical side of surviving day-to-day with the emotional train wreck that surrounds them.

It's often the case that these women are just finding out that their husbands have had an affair. Others are finding out that their husbands have had multiple affairs over the entire marriage, and that his apparent detachment or withdrawal from emotional intimacy is because he actually doesn't know how to be intimate. Whether he is a sex addict or suffering from low self-esteem or attachment issues that disallow him to trust in intimate relationships, the problem is still mind-numbing for the spouse. Her first dilemma is to try and understand which part of her marriage was real. The second challenge is to decipher the new verbiage, to decide how much of it she can trust.

In the middle of this is the day-to-day (minute-to-minute) responsibility that comes with being a mother. In the scenarios described above, it's likely that she has been doing the bulk of the childrearing and household management and so she would feel the full weight of the burden of "What do I do next, for us all?"

If this is resonating with you, and you have family and friends within reach, you need to tap into them now.

If you don't have family and just a handful of new friends, find the balance between sharing and getting advice so as to not overburden your few resources. Getting counseling, legal advice and calling your family will help. Holding onto a brave front is a common response but it's not likely to be sustainable. If that's the plan, at least get the counselling and legal advice as well.

Think of yourself as the drill sergeant, whose task is to arm the new soldier (you) for their first battle. They are going to need physical stamina, strength, a cool head, wisdom and good backup support. At no point can their fear overtake them, so build their resources well.

When looking at maintaining physical stamina, sleeping and eating are usually the first things to suffer.

If you are not sleeping well, then try meditation, yoga, exercise, proper diet, and counseling to manage the racing thoughts. Make sure you are eating three healthy meals a day. If you are having loss of appetite, eat smaller portions throughout the day.

Keeping a cool head is helpful in the long run. There are plenty of books that will help a woman know that what she is feeling is normal. After the Affair by Janice Abrahms Spring is one. A cool head will make your partner realise they are dealing with a rational soldier and not an emotionally vulnerable new recruit who can easily be manipulated again. Many men will use the "hot-headed wife" response as an excuse to continue acting out or to justify their past actions. Having a third party present for the discussions can keep them "real" so that the old manipulative ways are not as easy to use any more and both parties can begin an honest dialogue.

Wisdom comes in two forms:

The first is having wisdom about the choices you have made. Yes you can have regrets and wonder why you accepted the unhealthy dynamic all these years but that is less important at these early stages of separation than making healthy decisions and setting new and solid boundaries.

The second and more immediate aspect of wisdom comes from getting informed on your emotional rights, for example, the right to self-respect, as well as your legal rights such as whether you can leave the country with your children. Knowing your rights will give you the chance to make a solid game plan and help you respond, rather than react.

Back up comes in the form of friends, mentors, family, therapy, meditation or exercising your spirituality. The backup helps you go through this process and more importantly usually allows you to process all of the confusing and ever changing thoughts and emotions, out loud.

The kind of questions I hear the most in my practice are as follows:

What am I supposed to do now? My friends are getting tired of my complaints and my lack of action in following their advice. It's like I'm frozen in time. This is the part where I mentioned to not wear out your resources. Share and listen but don't unload it all on your friends and family. Manage your anxiety, so you don't debilitate your resources. You need their support but in the end only you can make that final decision.

How do I handle my current co-parenting needs? And who is going to fix the light bulbs? Why do I miss him? This can be especially scary when this all came as a complete surprise. The person whom you have relied upon and once considered your best friend and partner has changed to such an extent that you feel you don't even know him anymore. Having a third party focusing the dialogue on honesty and openness and change is the most likely method of getting those necessary assurances and safety so that you can give a clear-headed response.

How do I forgive myself? What's wrong with me? Stuck in the regret of having made a bad decision. Disbelief/denial. These are actually stages of grieving. Regardless of what happens to the relationship, you will need to grieve the loss of your ideal of the marriage, life and man you once knew as it will never be the same as it was. This doesn't mean that a marriage cannot be rebuilt. In fact, rebuilding is part of a later stage of grieving, so let yourself grieve the losses first. While it may be many counsellors' philosophy to hold on to hope in a rebuilding of the relationship, as long as the client has hope, your focus should still be on your own stabilisation at this point.

What and when do I tell the kids? Children like to know what's going on. What to expect? I recommend telling them what to expect, with each major transition, i.e. Daddy's moving to another house. He will still be seeing you on Saturdays after soccer but he won't be home as much during school nights. When you know the relationship is over, it's best if you can both tell the child what to expect and assure them that the love for them has not changed. It is helpful to even create a calendar they can see and be consistent with it.

When do I begin looking for a new partner? Garth Brooks sang, "Learning to live again is killing me" and it's for this reason, that from a psychological and emotional perspective I always encourage my clients to hold off on rushing into something new until they have figured out what went wrong in the last relationship. Just because he left or betrayed you doesn't mean that there was not a breakdown in the dynamic between you both, which means you may have some issues to work through. This might be especially the case with women who are completely "surprised" by their husband's affair and when they felt they were "best friends and there was no chance of this happening". Then I have them question the real intimacy in that relationship. What was the intimacy based on? Were they talking openly and deeply? Were they still making love? Were they still aware of subtle changes in their partner's life? How did they miss all that? From that point on, their individual work is about grieving and looking inward for change.

Don't rush towards rebound. Take your time to get through the wreckage piece by piece. Give yourself time to accept and grieve. With each exhale you are moving closer to a new life and new possibilities.

Our therapists are available to help you should you need any advice or someone to talk to. Contact us to make an appointment.

About the Author: Dr. Glenn Graves is an American psychologist who has lived and worked in Asia since 2004. The founder and director of Counseling Perspective, Glenn has nearly two decades of experience in providing counselling support to local and expatriate individuals, couples, and families in Singapore. His specialities include child counselling and trauma recovery. Read Full Bio >

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Finding a Therapist Who Truly Understands: The Power of Relatability in Therapy

By Satomi Ogata • February 1, 2025

At 17, one of my teachers told me I was dyslexic and that I needed to “work extra hard” to succeed. At 33, an educational psychologist officially diagnosed me with broad dyslexia (Reading Comprehension Impairment) and visual-spatial reasoning difficulties. However, the true turning point in my journey came at 37 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was a moment of clarity that reframed decades of self-doubt and burnout. Burnout and the Breaking Point The tipping point came when I experienced severe burnout at work. I’ve always taken immense pride in my career, pouring my passion into creating opportunities and fostering growth for others. As an HR professional working for one of the most purposeful organizations, I was determined to give my best. But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t shake the relentless feeling that I was falling short or that I wasn’t good enough.This internal battle slowly eroded my confidence until I found myself doubting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks. It felt like the harder I tried, the further behind I fell. The burnout, however, wasn’t just about work. It was the culmination of years of unprocessed emotions, cultural pressures, and the invisible toll of undiagnosed ADHD. For so long, I had been carrying an emotional and mental weight that I didn’t even realize was there. I was trying to meet impossible standards, juggling conflicting cultural expectations, and masking my struggles -including myself - would see how overwhelmed I truly was. Growing up as a Japanese woman, the cultural pressure to conform was ever-present. The phrase “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” (出る釘は打たれる) loomed large in my life, discouraging individuality and emphasizing the importance of fitting in. This cultural backdrop made navigating hidden disabilities like dyslexia, ADHD, and autism particularly isolating. In many Asian communities, neurodivergence is often misunderstood or seen as something to be “fixed.” Statements like “you just need to work harder” or dismissals of struggles as “bad parenting” are common and contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health. These deep-seated beliefs made seeking support feel daunting and, at times, even shameful. Meeting Mia: The Power of Relatability in Therapy In the depths of my burnout, I reached out to Dr. Glenn Graves, my former therapist in Singapore, who referred me to Mia Makino, a Japanese American therapist. From our very first session, I felt an immediate connection with Mia. She didn’t just listen; she truly understood. She recognized the cultural nuances of being Japanese and bicultural, as well as the complexities of navigating the duality between two distinct cultural frameworks. I did not expect how transformative this sense of relatability would be. Mia’s unique perspective allowed her to address not only the symptoms of my ADHD and burnout but also the deeply rooted cultural stigmas and self-doubt that has been holding me back for so long. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), she helped me unpack years of internalized shame and perfectionism - traits so often reinforced by societal expectations in Japan. Mia’s approach to therapy wasn’t just about the symptoms; it was about empowering me to embrace who I am. She helped me see that my ADHD and dyslexia were not weaknesses but parts of me that could be understood, managed, and even celebrated. Her guidance gave me permission to stop fighting so hard to fit into a mold that was never meant for me. Sharing My Story to Empower Others Seeking therapy and working with someone who truly understood both my neurodivergence and my cultural identity was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. It gave me the tools to heal, the courage to embrace my authentic self, and the clarity to redefine my path. By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to seek support and break free from the stigma surrounding mental health and neurodivergence. Diagnoses like ADHD are not limitations; they are opportunities to better understand ourselves and to create lives that align with our strengths and needs. For anyone navigating similar challenges—whether cultural, neurodivergent, or both—know that you are not alone. The right support, whether through therapy, coaching, or community, can make a world of difference. And remember, the journey toward self-compassion begins with the courage to embrace who you are, unapologetically and wholeheartedly. A New Chapter: From Healing to Advocacy Thanks to Mia’s support, I’m now transitioning into a new chapter of my life. I’m designing training programs and workshops for HR professionals and leaders in Asia to help break the stigma surrounding neurodivergence. My mission is to create workplaces that are inclusive, supportive, and free from discrimination—environments where people can thrive regardless of their differences. I’m also pursuing certifications as an ADHD and executive coach to support individuals who may feel isolated or misunderstood. I want to be an advocate for those struggling in silence, helping them find their voice, their confidence, and their potential. For so long, I believed that being the “nail that sticks out” was a flaw. But now, I see it as a strength. Every challenge I’ve faced has brought me closer to understanding who I am. And in that understanding, I’ve found not only healing but also purpose—the opportunity to help others embrace their own journeys and create a world where the invisible becomes invincible. Satomi Ogata https://www.linkedin.com/in/satomi-beyondbias/

Interpersonal Relationships from the Perspective of Reiki

By Mariangel Gonzalez • January 28, 2025

In the journey of life, interpersonal relationships play a fundamental role. From a Reiki perspective, these connections are not just human encounters but profound opportunities for spiritual growth, energy exchange, and mutual healing. Universal Energy and Relationships Reiki is based on the idea that everything in the universe is connected through universal energy. Every relationship we form—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or partners—is influenced by the flow of this energy. When our energies are balanced and flow harmoniously, our interactions also tend to be more positive and enriching. However, when our energies are imbalanced, conflicts, misunderstandings, and tensions may arise. Reiki teaches us that by healing and balancing our internal energy, we can also improve our external relationships. The Importance of Self-Healing Working with Reiki begins with oneself. Before attempting to heal or improve a relationship, it is essential to look inward and ask: What aspects of my energy need attention? Am I projecting insecurities, fears, or resentments onto my relationships? Through self-healing, we can balance energy, foster self-love, and strengthen our ability to establish healthy boundaries. This creates a solid foundation for interacting with others from a place of integrity and authenticity. Healing Relationships Through Reiki Reiki offers tools to heal relationships on an energetic level: 1. Sending Energy to Relationships: Using the distance healing technique, practitioners can direct positive energy toward a specific relationship. This does not mean controlling or manipulating the situation but sending intentions of peace, harmony, and mutual understanding. 2. Energy Cleansing: Relationships can accumulate dense energy due to conflicts or past experiences. Reiki can help release these burdens, allowing for a fresh start. 3. Chakra balance: Each relationship may be associated with one or more energy centres (chakras). For instance, communication conflicts may relate to the throat chakra, while trust issues may link to the heart chakra. Working on these centres can unblock and restore harmony. Daily Practices to Foster Healthy Relationships In addition to specific Reiki techniques, we can incorporate habits into our daily lives to nurture our relationships: · Practicing Gratitude: Recognizing and appreciating the blessings each relationship brings, even in challenges. · Meditating for Empathy: Using guided Reiki meditations to develop a deeper understanding of others' emotions and perspectives. · Setting Clear Intentions: Before interacting with someone, we can set a positive intention, such as fostering peace or strengthening mutual understanding. Unconditional Love as a Guide One of the fundamental principles of Reiki is unconditional love. This concept invites us to accept others as they are, without judgment or attempts to change them. In relationships, this means offering support, respect, and understanding, even when facing differences. Reiki reminds us that every person we encounter is a reflection of ourselves. By honouring this connection, we can transform our relationships into sacred spaces of learning and evolution. Conclusion From a Reiki perspective, interpersonal relationships are more than mere interactions; they are an exchange of energy and an opportunity for healing and growth. By working on our internal energy, we can create a positive impact on our relationships and experience deeper, more harmonious, and meaningful connections. This inner work also extends outward, promoting collective healing and nurturing a greater sense of unconditional love and compassion in the world

Is Your Relationship Due for a Mindset Reset?

By Esther Oon-Bybjerg • January 28, 2025

Your partner forgets to text you back after a long day, and you think, "They don’t care about me." Or they casually mention plans with friends that don’t include you, and you wonder, "Am I not important to them anymore?" These passing negative thoughts may seem trivial, but they reflect deeper narratives we unconsciously construct about our partners and relationships. In relationships, the way we think about our partners and their actions matters deeply. As relationships evolve, we develop beliefs about our partners and the relationship. These beliefs shape how we feel, act and respond to them. As a couple therapist, I have witnessed how it is often not the events themselves that drive disconnection, but the interpretations and narratives we attach to them. Relationships get strained by negative thought patterns because these hidden beliefs about our partners and their actions silently erode connection and fuel resentment. However, a simple shift in mindset can improve the quality of your relationship. The Cycle of Negative Perception We often assume that our perceptions of reality are objective. However, our minds act as powerful filters, shaping how we interpret our partner's words and actions. For instance, if you believe, “They don’t care about me,” a forgotten text message might feel like proof of neglect. On the other hand, if you think, “They’re doing the best they can,” the same situation might seem like a genuine oversight which is understandable. These thoughts set the emotional tone for your relationship, influencing how you feel during moments of connection or tension. Small disappointments or unmet needs that go unaddressed can gradually shift your perspective, leading you to interpret interactions through a lens of frustration or resentment. This process can be driven by cognitive biases which are mental shortcuts that help us process information quickly, but they can also distort reality in ways that harm relationships. Here are some common thought patterns that I often see in couples: Confirmation bias Selectively focus on evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring anything that contradicts them. If you believe your partner is inconsiderate, you'll likely notice every instance of forgetfulness while overlooking their thoughtful gestures. Black-and-white thinking Seeing things as either all good or all bad, such as “They never listen to me” or “They’re always selfish.” This mindset prevents you from seeing the complexities in your partner’s behavior and stops you from appreciating the shades of gray in their actions. Personalization Interpreting your partner’s actions as a direct reflection of their feelings toward you. For example, when they’re late, you might think, “They don’t respect my time,” instead of considering that they could be dealing with an unexpected situation. Mind reading Assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or intentions without asking or clarifying. If they don’t initiate physical affection, you may think, “They’re not attracted to me anymore,” when they may simply be tired or dealing with stress. Catastrophizing Jumping to the worst possible conclusion, such as thinking, “This argument means we’re heading for a breakup,” instead of seeing it as a normal part of any relationship. Negative filtering Focusing only on your partner’s flaws while disregarding their positive qualities. For example, after a few instances of your partner being late, you may start seeing them as unreliable, ignoring all the times they’ve been on time. Ways to Reset Your Mindset Changing entrenched thought patterns isn't about ignoring or avoiding important issues. It's about cultivating a more mindful and intentional approach to your relationship. Negative thoughts can quickly escalate emotions, leading to impulsive reactions that hurt the relationship. A mindset reset helps you assess the situation more objectively respond more thoughtfully. Here are some strategies to break free from the negative thought patterns. Cultivate gratitude Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consciously seek out moments of kindness, no matter how small. Appreciate the thoughtful gestures your partner makes. Recognizing these efforts reinforces the positive in your relationship, helping you see your partner in a more favorable light. Challenge your assumptions The next time a negative thought arises, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself, "Is there another way to interpret this?" Instead of defaulting to "They’re not prioritizing me," try reframing it as "They’re just overwhelmed with deadlines right now." This shift in perspective can defuse unnecessary tension and foster a deeper understanding between you and your partner. Seek clarification, not conclusions Instead of jumping to conclusions based on a fleeting moment, engage in conversation. For example, say, “I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Would you like to talk about it? Asking questions shows genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and prevents misunderstandings. Embrace a growth mindset See challenges as opportunities for growth, not signs of incompatibility. When conflicts arise, view them as chances to improve your communication and problem-solving skills together. A growth mindset allows you to navigate difficulties as a team, strengthening your bond and building mutual support. Assume positive intent Start from a place of trust. Believe your partner cares about you and is doing their best. Even when things don’t go perfectly, choosing to assume positive intent softens the impact of misunderstandings. This mindset fosters patience, understanding, and deeper trust between you and your partner. When to seek help Sometimes, deeply ingrained thought patterns are challenging to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the root causes of these patterns, understand how they affect your relationship, and learn tools to address them. By recognizing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns, we can create space for mutual empathy, understanding, and respect. These changes don’t happen overnight, but with patience and intentionality, even small mindset shifts can lead to profound transformations.